twohundredandfiftytwo.

"excited about seeing you again until i can't see you anymore"

because you're disappearing.
or i am.
for about 6 to 10 to 12 months.
into thin air.
into thin middle eastern air.
but i am excited to be seeing you again.

for the next month and a half.
to see you everyday like the olden days.
and touch you.
and maybe talk you into growing out a beard again.
you sexy animal.
i wanna tattoo your face on my face.

then i can see you whenever i see me.

tattoo you on my eyeballs.
so i just see you.

twohundredandfiftyone.

"goodbye 2008"

until we meet again when you are 2009.
except you will be different.
and we will have a new relationship.
in which i will be a good little boy.
and not drink.
and go to the gym.
and not get in trouble.
and do work.
and do have fun.
but do have modest and moderate fun.
and find love.
and find friendship.
and find hope and joy.
and inspire the same in others.

until then 2009. until then.

twohundredandfifty.

"i come from glasgow and i bring glas-rock music"

o bands from foreign lands
laying rhymes and riffs in to our hands
our clammy american wanting more music hands
i hope you never go back to your home lands

british polish funkish coolish bands
beatles garbage glasvegas foolish mans
i dont care what your name is as long as you have accents, mans
and as long as there are four of you in the bands

these are rules that can or cannot be broken like sands
and there are more like don't or do start sentences with ands
and pay your manager or don't ten percent ands
go to beaches think of midlers and wiggle your toes in sands

twohundredandfortynine.

"newport harbor duldrums"

rocking back and forth on these plain waves
with billy joels' towering yacht in site
'you mangy piano mother fucker'
i might yell
but i'm only ten and he's only the world's greatest pianist
after elton
and that guy from vampire weekend
(really?)

i've been stuck here for years
back forth up down side side wave splash
i just need to run and jump into the plain sea
make waves
get back in the boat
and sail along
forever or until i can't see billy joel anymore
(fag)

waves is all i need
or wind
but i can't wait for someone else
making waves
making big fat ugly good bad rotten waves
back forth up down side side wave splash
first backwards then forwards movement
(finally...life)

twohundredandfortyeight.

"waisting time downloading second rate amy winehouse bootlegs"

adele, my dear,
maybe i will like you once you get skinny and start doing heroin
and get lots of tattoos

no one liked a fat winehouse
no one liked a sober winehouse
no one likes a long-island-looking-mother-fucking winehouse

adele, my dear,
lose the ELLE BEEs and do the PEE CEE PEEs
they go hand in hand, baby doll

(and get off the sidewalk)
(unless your cracked out and then by all means sleep on the sidewalk)
(it's great for your jazz image)

(plus adding get a new hairdo)
(one that might have come out of the 40s)
(watch old B-52s videos and get some inspiration)

sincerely,
your number one fan
lily allen

twohundredandfortyseven.

"little dogs make the best punching bags"

punch you in the face you squimy little yappy punching-in-the-face bag
wear sweatshirts and you try to crawl in the pockets
the pockets that are made for keeping hands warm
don't wear sweatshirts and you piss and shit all over the house

dont ask me why i just heard that somewhere
or saw it since you pissed and shat everywhere
when i was not wearing a sweatshirt
you little pukey yappy punch punch face face bag dog

i love you
i hate you
i punch you
i step on you

twohundredandfortysix.

"listening to quaint indie rock in the office of my carolina three bedroom"

far far far from the glitz glamour-rama of NYC
sure it would be nice nice nice to put on some heels and pull up the tights
throw on that glitter and start fight fight fights
but i'm too far far far from that glitz that glamour

mile mile miles away from her and me and she
such a distance from all those pee pee pee parties
such a life life lifetime from that shit
makes me wanna wanna wanna give up get out get home quit

i hate you north carolina
i hate you job i hate you space
i miss you new york city
i miss you glitz i miss you glamour i miss you bright shiny face

twohundredandfortyfive.

"a thousand and one things to do before christmas"

and i can't even name half of them
but i know i have a lot to do
and i know i have gum on my shoe
and i know yesterday i wore a tutu
go figure

i'll try to name half of them
i know i need to do paper work
and i know i need to punch a jerk
and i know i need to rent the movie 'clerk(s)'
go figure

beyond those things there are about 998 other things
some i know and some i do not
some i will learn some i have forgot
some because i'm dumb and some because i smoke WAY too much pot
go figure

twohundredandfortyfour.

"you are very tall"

tall and loud and funny
and i have to work with you
which makes this very hard

(awkward pause)

me: you're fired
you: why
me: you suck at your job

you: but i'm funny
me: true
you: so can i keep my job

(awkward pause)

me: no

twohundredandfortythree.

"first day of the last three months with you"

i'm glad we've had the last six months together
and i'm glad we have three more
at least
and i hope you know i love love love you

i love you and i want to be with you forever
but before forever
i have to be away from you for six to twelve months
but then i'll see you after that

and during it
and during it i hope i hope i hope
that's what the plan is
you know it i know it they know it

'it's seven thirtyyyyyyyyyy'

twohundredandfortytwo.

"twice the job twice the not life"

no no no no zero zero life
half day schedule plus two jobs equals...
i'm a loser and have no time off

maybe i'll get christmas off
nope.
no i won't

FUN
(but really yeah it is fun)
(but really yeah i don't get christmas off)

twohundredandfortyone.

"sunday morning sit down on chair club"

attention all sitter-downers
esp. sunday sitter-downers
there's a new club on the street
in which if you became a member you could sit down
with us
in the morning
of sunday

come one come all
to sit down on sunday
and just relax
and maybe talk about things
or not
in the morning
of sunday

'are you talking about church?'
'no.'
'it sounds like church'
'it's not'
'you're just tricking me into going to church'
'you got me'
in the morning
of sunday

twohundredandforty.

"76 days until there is no more days of freedom"

76 things to do everyday one per day so that i have done everything i need to do to say i have been free at one time:
(listen hard)
1. paint a room
2. flick off bitches
3. shit outside
4. shit inside
5. (drawing a blank for number 5)
6. think of things for number 5
7. (shit, this is harder than i thought)

if you have any suggestions for 76 things to 76 do before the end of freedom give me a holler

at www.mindyourbusiness.com

twohundredandthirtynine.

"two things i have to say about thomas' promises english muffins and then i'll be rid of them forever"

1. yes it is true my grandma invented them
she is a genius and loves burned things
she also like making skinny pointy gross bagels
that have the consistency of sand
she loves sand

2. the irish people love sandy skinny bagels for two reasons
a. they prepare themselves at all times for another potato famine
and thomas' promises english muffins will never go extinct
so if all the potatoes do they'll be fine
b. they like to torture themselves to make up for 'river dance'

questions?

twohundredandthirtyeight.

"your christmas decorations are killing the economy"

i can't sell my house because your christmas decorations make the neighborhood gay
they make it look like a gay-borhood
like your wise men
that are having anal sex with each other
people will see them penetrating and not want to move in

they will be like
'bartholomew is pentetrating the guy who brought mir'
and then they will be like
'i thought bartholomew was the one who brought mir'
and then they'll run home to look that up and not want to move in

your donkey is also gay
gay for other donkeys
which is making me nativity scene sick
sick with nativity nativeness anger rage porn
gay porn on your lawn that makes people not want to move in

gay christian porn at that
take a long hard look at your self in the mirror
take a look at your face
and at your lawn
and then you'll move out and not want to move in again

twohundredandthirtyseven.

"my creation for the day"

you shall be my greatest day creation, day creation
i don't know what you are, day creation
but you are great
you will march or talk or something
day creation
perhaps you will just sit
and being a conversation piece, day creation
like for example
someone might say 'look at that day creation'
after seeing you, day creation
wouldn't that be something?
it would
it certainly would, day creation...

oh. it's spelled 'decoration'...weird.

twohundredandthirtysix.

"too many things happened in too many short of times to too many talk about"

so skip it.
erase it. don't regret it. remember it.
move on.

it was fun in the way that getting eggs thrown at your head is fun.
in the way that having wet panty hose drip down your face is fun.
in the way that hanging out with ex girlfriends is fun.

skip skip skipping it all.
disregard the previous erase it. and regard the previous remember it.
then move on.

twohundredandthirtyfive.

"sad day at the aeroport"

drop off
terminal 1
terminal sad face emoticon
'i don't want you to go away'
'i don't want to go away'
'so don't'
'i have to'
'kiss?'
'not here'
'ok'
'have a good time while i'm gone'
'i won't'
'try to'
smiley face emoticon
fake ass smiley face emoticon
'have a safe flight'

'peace'

twohundredandthirtyfour.

"a most exciting thanksgiving has now presented itself"

oh how splendid
a thanksgiving avec you and you and you will also be there?
oh how splendid

maybe i shall write-eth a thanksgiving type haiku
a haiku to perfectly paint the thanksgiving picture
what shall i write first (maybe 'oh how splendid')

'a haiku for thanks and giving'

thanksgiving is here (5)
and it shall be cool and queer (7)
please join us next year (5)

twohundredandthirtythree.

"i'm sorry i wasn't able to make it to your gay wedding"

but if it's any consolation i had a rather bizarre weekend in the south of georgia
as it were the south of georgia is nothing like the south of france
yet more like a flannery o'connor novel
where at any moment we will be killed in the woods by a scary woods killer

and then we'll laugh
and say 'a good man really IS hard to find'
as if our life were so literary
and as if SHE had written that story purely for US

as if we were a 'gilmore girl' of some kind
making literary quips
or a 'dawson's creek' or a '90210'
scratch the last...way less literary way more incendiary

twohundredandthirtytwo.

"strange dream about you last night, gran"

you were there in the kitchen
in glenside
in the old house that we sold
that no one lives in anymore
at least no one in our family
so does it really count

how'd we let anyone sell that house
my parents were born in that house
my first christmas was in that house
my 'santa-isn't-real?' christmas was in that house
that house was that house and always will be THAT house
meanwhile back in the dream...

kitchen. you. me. talking about vonnegut.
ME: what was your fave book, gran? your all time fave kurt v.?
U: the one with the house and the pigs
ME: 'slaughterhouse-five'??
U: no not that. i don't remember can we talk about something else?

at this point i'm astonished
because i know that you and i are the number one fans
the all time greatest kurt vonnegut fans in the world
and you don't know the name of your fave book
and you think 'slaughterhouse-five' is a book about houses and pigs

after this point of astonishment i am sad
sad because i realize that this is not you and this is a dream
and you are not here and you are gone and i'll never get to talk to you about KV
but at least we have that connection
and at least i know you're up there waiting for ME and KV to arrive

to talk about something nice
about houses and pigs...

RIP

twohundredandthirtyone.

"promotion junction...what's your function?"

congratulations, youre promoted
but you have the same job
and you will be treated the same
and paid the same
and loved the same
your dick will be the same size
and your wallet will be the same size
and your house
and your heart
and your nose

o, i hope this promotion does not make my nose grow
god forbid
my nose could not be any more big
any bigger and jew-ier
the kids at school already call me 'jewy jewington'
as if that was a cute or clever name
a cutely cleverly funny that-chick-who-wrote-juno-made-this-name name
no its not one of those names
so forget about it
i quit

twohundredandthirty.

"keyboarding on an i-book is like keyboarding on air"

i'm on keyboard 9
type type type
so easy and smooth and feels so good under my type type fingers type
like a baby grand
like a pre-adolescent grand

i'm on keyboard 10
ten even as it were
type type type smooth easy still and nice under the fingers
this keyboard, of the 10th degree, is so much comfier than the 9th
type-ity type type type

i'm now on keyboard 11
which is the final level in keyboards
as everyone knows
type type
type type type type type

twohundredandtwentynine.

"someone wrote something a longgg time ago maybe three nights ago or more and is now just updating"

just to let you know
that some things that have recently been something-ed
were actually originally something-ed
quite some time ago

ago ago ago
into that vast time of before
before time passed
as it will

as it does
i've heard
old man, you are the trickery of provence
of providence and philadelphia, too

too many nights since we last sat at the house
on the back porch
with your son who is my father
and talked and drank

and broke glasses

so many glasses

twohundredandtwentyeight.

"my yoga class and my porno class got mis-scheduled last week"

they played the porno in the yoga studio
and the yoga in the porno studio
it was confusing as much as things can be
is it poga or yorno?
or some different mix of nasty?

downward dog
doggie style
coincidence...i think POT
i can't stop thinking about weed is what i'm saying
i'm addicted. call that doctor from vh1

twohundredandtwentyseven.

"bugging at 4:35 in the AM"

bugging out watching 'my super sweet 16' on that mtv
this show is wack as fuck
how do you little midgets get such class
well not such class
such material goodness
you cannot buy class
that's a proverb

what's a 'con-verb'?
is it an action word that is against things
'i'm against you, and i'm a verb'
'i'm a 'con-verb''
'suck on that a while'
'con-verbs' are as wack as fuck as 'sweet 16'

twohundredandtwentysix.

"urge to burn your house down"

with my urge
fire urger burning inside so bad
to see you and be with you
the last time i was up so late
i was crying about you

and now the this time i am up so late
i am happying about you
laughing about you
smiling about you
missing about you

damn damn damn i wish i was holding you
you fuckin' mass of amazing
i love you
i'm glad you're getting better
i'm glad i'm here to help

twohundredandtwentyfive.

"not as brilliant as i'd hoped"

the combined works de moi
as reviewed by the 'new yorker' as if that were a real publication

NY: 'your work is trite and wrought with spelling errors'
ME: 'your publication is shite with un-funny as it were comics'
NY: 'sorry you feel that way, but sorry it also doesn't make us change our mind'
ME: 'is there anything i can do to make you...change?'
NY: 'do you have any weed?'
ME: 'no i quit. i had to go to rehab in the summer of 07.'
NY: 'harsh. well other than that i don't know what else there is...'
ME: 'blow job?'
NY: 'what?'
ME: 'i could give you a blow job...or something.'
NY: 'uh i'm not sure, man. i'm not you know gay.'
ME: 'yah me neither but i could suck on it a little while if it made you...change.'
NY: 'alright. maybe for a little.'

(an awkward exchange of zip zip and suck suck noises follow)

ME: 'sorry about that.'
NY: 'it was a little toothy.'
ME: 'well it was my first time doing it so i don't know. sorry.'
NY: 'you should use less tooth. let me show you.'

(another cavalcade if that were the word to use of zip zips and suck sucks)

ME: 'that was pretty good.'
NY: 'thanks.'
ME: 'so...are you going to publish me.'
NY: 'naw. but if you want some regular head i'm your man.'

(pause equating reflection contemplation masturbation)

ME: 'deal.'

twohundredandtwentyfour.

"why does michael's house look like waffle house?"

or vice versa
or un vice versa
why does michael's house not not look like waffle house?
and to counter that
why does waffle house not not look like michael's house?

follow me
as i take you on a journey through drunken waffles
and caviar dreams
dirty martinis
and bars in the south that have gay people and strange people

are you coming?
are you coming along?
are you coming alone?
three important questions
of which i care not the answer to all above.

das ende.

twohundredandtwentythree.

"good day, professor schlart"

it was nice to see you this morning
after the physical training
you looked handsome
handsomer maybe than the last time i saw you
when you had that leg growing out of your other leg
that third leg as it were

good day, professor schlart
it's interesting how your first name is 'professor'
one might mistake you for some sort of teacher
if they just heard your name
not if they knew you like i know you though
you former three legged freak of a handsome man

god bless you, professor schlart
god bless you today and tomorrow even
but on the day after tomorrow may you be struck down dead
for confusing everyone with your confusing name
and your three legged ness
and the handsome-ity

twohundredandtwentytwo.

"i'd rather be looking up martini recipes"

or when i say rather be i mean should be
as i was ordered to
in my second job
my job of life and ordering martini recipes

vodka based
not gin
no no no never gin
master hates gin

ill make you a gin based vodka martini
and you'll not know it
and you'll drink it
and you'll love love love it

twohundredandtwentyone.

"what do you want now buttering me up"

that's a saying
from the olden days
when kids said nice things to their parents
to get things in return

what do you want now buttering me up?
i want nothing
just to say nice things
and be be be with you

ok i'll accept it
the compliment and the niceness butter
butter me up some more
smear me in that margarine

twohundredandtwenty.

"this is a rock-umentary"

just for your edification.
this is and will forever be a rock-umentary.
that is to say it is a rock hyphen umentary.
and it will always be.
for the following reasons.

one. i like rock and roll.
two. i appreciate good guy ritchie films that have the words 'rock and roll' in them.
three. madonna and guy ritchie are divorced.
four. guy ritchie wants me to be in his next movie.
five. rock n' roll will never die.

six six six.

twohundredandnineteen.

"just because i don't like the roman shades on the front of your house doesn't mean you have to throw a pan of hot spaghetti noodles at me"

or the figurative hot spaghetti noodles of your rolling eyes
i said 'i do not like them'
as an opinion after you asked me 'do you like them?'
shouldn't i be honest with you
about things of such high profound nature-age

'do you like my roman shades?'
'no they are quite ugly and look like plastic'
hate eyes glare
spaghetti noodles spaghetti noodles
SPAGHETTI NOODLES

twohundredandeighteen.

"very good long weekend day with long day weekends"

back to normal back
with moments of abnormal back with
can i have a moment to reflect on the normalcy that is back with can
it has been a really good long weekend day back with can it
don't believe me ask someone back with can it don't
they'll tell you back with can it don't they'll
and you'll believe them

back with can it don't they'll and

love.

ahhh. yes. and love.

twohundredandseventeen.

"welcome new roommates"

how weird how weird
i have my own home and am child
yet parents are moving in here
tres backwards meine eltern
tres tres backwards

it's okay
live here with your pot smoking
while i sustain a living for all of us
you there, father
do not forget your adult diaper

and you there, mother
do not forget your adult diaper either
for you both where adult diapers
and live with your child
and smoke pot

responsible

twohundredandsixteen.

"robots eye-dancing everywhere today"

robots in the streets
with their hands on their eyelids
holding them open

when they dance their eyelids shut
automatically
unless they automatically hold them open

with their robot automatic hands
but they love love love to dance
we should really come up with something to help them

we being science
and science being you
barack obama

help the robots
forget about the economy and your dog and etc etc
help help help the dancing robots

twohundredandfifteen.

"i have nine children and thirteen toes"

i should have my own show on TLC
either about the children thing
or about the toes thing
thirteen and nine
what odd odd numbers

if i cut off one of my toes
i would only have 12
how sad how cruel
if i cut off one of my children
i would only have 8

how even how even how even

twohundredandfourteen.

"i am sorry you do not feel so good"

let me bring you medicine
and vitamin c
and let your dogs out
and tuck you in
and cuddle
i cuddle
trust me
well i will learn
ok

let me bring you sunshine
or something gay like that
and poetic
i could do it
i could take a bottle of sunshine
and bottle it up like jam
and bring it to you your house
well i will learn
ok

feel better feel better feel better
forever

twohundredandthirteen.

"all caught up"

from the other night and in life
oh oh oh how so so so many things have changed in the last couple of day nights
changed back to normal
there's a new president, you know
he is afro-american
but he has no afro on his american
head

also
no more missing someone
cause someone missed me so much that someone is back
and someone and someone are back
and someone and someone are the best that someone's have ever been
even without afros on their americans
heads

change
is good
embrace embrace embrace
but id still like to see more sarah palin
just everywhere
run for king/queen of the world ms. palin palin palin with an american afro
on your head

twohundredandtwelve.

"fuck. brain. stop. think."

just shut up about all that
blah blah blah blah blah
fuck, brain
stop being a fuck, brain
stop blah blah fuck blah, brain
all day
all night
well some of the night
when i'm not sleeping
fuck.
stop.
brain.

twohundredandeleven.

"sucks not seeing you when i wake up first thing"

eyes open
your face
me quiet
don't talk much
you happy
like always
me happy without words
you me day starting
same time
same bed
same room
same life

not anymore
still wake up
but just me
quiet
not happy
without words
one time
one bed
one room
no life

twohundredandten.

"this is a very dry commentary about dryness"

i watched a show today
about shows
it was fairly interesting
but not on an extreme level
i can't even remember to describe it
except to say that it was dry dry dry

as toast
as milque toast
even though milque toast sounds sweet
and buttery
and milky
and cow uttery

twohundredandnine.

"i don't care if governor palin is pranked by canadians"

they are not americans
yes?
no?
i don't anymore
are we warring with canadians?
help me out here if you know the ANSWER
to my QUESTION

governor governor governor palin
you are sexy as fuck
and smart
i think despite what you say sometimes about things
but who cares
you got titties
and love
and titties

governor governor governor governor governor
PALIN!
hot hot hot hot
mom
hockey mom
with titties
and love
and titties

twohundredandeight.

"tina fey doesn't have to go through shit like this"

she has a number one show in the americas
which is like having a number one show in the worlds
except that some places do not like shows that the americas like
in the worlds

for instances
some people in krack-assistan do not like 'gossip girl'
and neither do i
thus it shall be banned forever

for other instances
some people in cool-fuckistan do not like shows about reality
and neither do i
thus these shall also be banned forever

for other other instances
you shall be banned
forever
and neither do i

twohundredandseven.

"miss floyd miss floyd miss floyd"

miss floyd but miss someone else more
and this is something sad to miss someone else
cause i see someone else everyday
and they dont know how much i miss someone else
or i should say someone else doesnt know
how much i miss someone else

floyd knows
that i miss him
when im at work all night and its rainy outside
and he's stuck in his kennel
and he smells like wet smelly in the kennel type dog
and someone else isnt there anymore
to take care of him and be with him

floyd misses someone else
as much as i do?
probably not
but still misses someone else
and if someone else is reading this
i think you should miss me
and floyd
and someone else

twohundredandsix.

"late night poetry jam"

late night
avec conan obrien
and emotions which i know are fucking gay as hell
emotions in general
listening to the decemberists
which i know are fucking gay as hell
conan
there's an election tomorrow
but who fucking cares
elections are gay as hell

twohundredandfive.

"the following are from a long night of work on which i had to stay up late and emailed myself because i can not access blogs at work cause blogs are the spawn of al-qaeda"

havent you heard?

twohundredandfour.

"dressing up as a penguin from now on"

nothing scary can happen when you're dressed like a penguin
except for potentially being accidentally exported to antartica
and freezing to death standing on an egg
or getting eaten by a seal therein because you learn to hunt fish
to survive
in antartica

but nothing in america could happen scary when you're dressed as such
even though watching a scary movie by your self is still scary
and the penguin costume just makes you sweat a lot on the new couch
but you where the costume made of baby penguins
to survive
in america

survival of the fittest
more like
survival of the penguin-est

twohundredandthree.

"last time i checked i was were alone"

will be
too
after a long not alone weekend
of not alone activities
theres a long alone lifetime
of alone activities
ahead
will be
too

i dont know
for the best is what they've said
they him her we
all said 'for the best'
and i cried
and they he she we cried
and then we all said
'for the best'
will be
too

miss you
unendingly
ever and ever
hope it will be ok
think it might
for you i know it
will be
too

twohundredandtwo.

"you were the best thing in my life"

heart
you were the best thing in my life
and now you are not in my life
so now there is no best thing in my life
broken

twohundredandone.

"a whole day of dead birds smoking cigarettes causes writers BLOCK"

block block block
totally tracking to write the best novel of all time
about robots dancing with their eyes open
and then side swiped
by dead smoking birds
cigs cause cancer
birds cause cigs
therefore cigs cause cigs?

birds
writers block is for the birds
is for the cigs?
cancer

twohundred.

"turn of the century"

a new place i am now than i were at the last turn o' the century
twas many months ago then
perhaps three or two or one
perhaps less
when the century turned before
and what do i have to show for myself

what do i have to show for the last century of work?
the last century of improvement of complaints of revolutions
probably not that much
probably not that little
but the next century will be different

'how so?'
you'd ask
'how will the next century of poetry of centuries of poetries be different?'
i will ask to confuse confuse confuse
'huh?'
you might say and make that squishy wushy face
'exactly'
i'll whisper and scream over and over and over
until we all know what the next century will hold

something
and nothing

onehundredandninetynine.

"preparing for halloween."

in preparation for halloween
i take to the costume store
where i purchase wigs and makeup and garments
to make me look like a whore

'this should be easier to do' i think
to make myself a slut
but money money money and
i look like anything but

i look like a tree a squirrel
a clown a rocket
if my costume sucks again this year
i'll put my finger in a socket

onehundredandninetyeight.

"random notes to note."

worked my hands to the bone today
in the office outside
with the tools and the machines
and the bars
the bars without alcohol
that have to be turned and wrenched
and broken and fixed

worked my hands to the bone today
and probably will tomorrow
but in a different world outside
with paperwork and computers
presentations and pens
the type you write with
the type you turn and scribble
and break and fix

worked my hands to the bone today
and then died and died and died
all that work was hardly worth the hands-to-bone-ness
the wrenching and the penning
hardly worth it
perhaps i should have found different occupations
to turn and toil
to break and fix

onehundredandninetyseven.

"in memorium"

and then no more sadness.
because that's how it should be.
it's really sad that you died.
the way you did especially.

i thought you were/was/are/will be happy.
but you weren't/won't/aren't.
i hope you find happiness now/then/before/in between/next/after/then/now.
always.

rest.

onehundredandninetysix.

"'you dont weep when the leaves fall.'"

if there's one thing i learned from reading LIFE magazine 17SEP1965,
it's that 'you dont weep when the leaves fall'.
so i wont
weep
when leaves fall

LIFE
dont weep when life falls
when leaves fall on life
when life and leaves and fall turns to winter
and death
and death
and death

don't weep when the leaves (life) fall,
you

onehundredandninetyfive.

"and the big machine keeps on machining"

one less but the machine is still the machine
it still rumbles and rocks and rolls
it still churns out tiny machines for tiny machining
one less but the machine aint dead

onetwothree less but the machine will still machine
it will still be the machine
still machining and rumbling and rocking and churning
onetwothree less but the machine doesn't care

onetwothreefourfiveinfinity less and nobody cares
we could lose em all
the machine could lose em all
onetwothreefourfiveinfinity less...the machine is still the machine

onehundredandninetyfour.

"those sad radiohead type days"

mondays mostly
but sometimes it can be wednesdays thursdays tuesdays fridays etc.
sad
and listening to radiohead on repeat

mondays mostly
but sometimes it doesn't actually matter what day it falls on etc.
it could be any sad day
and i'd be listening to radiohead on repeat

mondays mostly
but people kill themselves on fridays saturdays tuesdays sundays etc.
because they are sad
and have been listening to radiohead on repeat

onehundredandninetythree.

"my mother is angelica houston.

just found out.
about two and a half hours ago.
she called.
i said, 'hello?'.
she said, 'hi this is angelica houston and i am your mother'.
ironic.
because i just saw her in a movie.
'you just saw me in a movie? which one?'.

'choke. or the one where you were mean to drew barrymore'.
i couldnt remember me under the circumstances.

'i enjoyed both those roles. but i will enjoy the role of your mother even more'.
that's clever. clever writing she must have written before ringing me.

'ok...mom?'.
i said nervously. and hesitantly because i've seen pictures of my birth mother.
giving birth.
to me.
in a hospital.

'trust me. we doctored the pictures from the hospital with your birth mother'.
i was just thinking that and she said it. she must really be my mother.

'by the way im just fucking with you. this is larry. from the street corner'.

'wow. you sound a lot like angelica houston, larry'.
i screamed. brilliantly.

onehundredandninetytwo.

"inspired. again."

and by none other than that old fillibuster echo echo cummings
with his dots and semicolons
and sporatic capitalization
midsentence metaphors
quotation mark quotation mark
parentheses

if he can make it we all can make it and if we he she us all can make it
then we're golden
as golden as the showers in gym class
as golden as the sun shining shimmering down
quotation mark quotation mark
parentheses

yes yes we will all be fine in the end beginning middle now
cause thats what He She They want for us
fine
fineness in the end
quotation mark quotation mark
parentheses

onehundredandninetyone.

"you are so lucky with your lucky life"

you are little
maybe five five
and a boy
and you have a pretty wife
with a baby on the way
who is a little girl
you told me
after the baby-sex-checking-machine scanned your pretty wife's stomach

you are number one in your class
and after you graduate
you are number one at work time
and get to go to advance schooling of choice
and leave from work time early
and no one cares
because you are lucky time
and nice

you also have straight teeth
lucky

onehundredandninety.

"creative slump."

maybe its because not much has changed in the last six or so months.
maybe its because ive written all i can about complaining.
about work. and dogs. and sicks. and etc.
maybe.
so now maybe to be maybe creative maybe i should complaining about something maybe different.

what?
like what maybe should i complaining about maybe?
janice dickinson.
she looks maybe like a plastic android maybe from maybe space.
and she fired me from her maybe agency.

maybe that's complaining.
new creative non-slumping creative.
complaining.
maybe.
janice.

onehundredandeightynine.

"last time i checked i was still at work even though it was much later than work should normally be"

that was the last time i checked
and when i checked again
just now
i was also still at work
and now it was even later after work than it had been the first time i checked

why
why are we still at work
you and i
we could go home
and dance

i checked again
i was still there
at work
sitting and staring at the clock
and now this time it was even later after work than it had been the second time

why
why are we still at work
you and i
pretending to work
and dance

onehundredandeightyeight.

"excited about big mirrors unexcited about sick mirrors"

sick
er than yesterday
but not sick
er
than i have ever been

long
er week than last week
but not the long
est
week i have ever had

at least a giant mirror is being deliver
ed
to the house
to
day

onehundredandeightyseven.

"friends everywhere: i feel like courtney cox"

more like courtney cocks
is this a 'sausage fest'?
i think so
i dont know the definition
as i dont have a dick-tionary
but if i did
and if i would
i would find that i did find this under the word:
'sausage fest'

'womanizer womanizer womanizer'
britney spears is playing at this 'sausage fest' as well?
ok now its gay
it just turned gay
thanks
good to know
for the future

onehundredandeightysix.

"savour the flavour"

170 some odd days until one year since that one thing happened
means i gotta savour the flavour
the secret recipe
the kfc chicken blend

live every day like the next day you might get your hand chopped off
and fed to pidgeons
and then when you're trying to chase the hand-carrying-pidgeons into the street
you get hit by a school bus

a large school bus
live every day like that is going to happen tomorrow
and you'll be set
like glue or something that sets

onehundredandeightyfive.

"i made myself a sandwich"

i mad myself a sandwich
for lunch
but if you were i would have made two

i would have made two sandwiches
for lunch
and if you brought a friend i'd make three

i would have made three sandwiches
for lunch
and if your friend brought maybe their cousin then there'd be four

i would have made four sandwiches
for lunch
but i only made one

loner
my loner sandwich is going to commit suicide
in my mouth

onehundredandeightyfour.

"holy 1985, bat weasel"

the original comic book hero
'bat weasel'
he was as uninteresting as his description might be
so i will not describe
instead i will talk about john mccain

i dont care if blake lively doesn't like john mccain
when is the last time a pseudo teen icon made up my decision for commander of these states
besides when marrissa cooper from the OC told me to vote for nader
besides that time

im listening to non teen icons for this one
betty white says 'vote for robots'
so i will
i will vote for robots
again and again and again

onehundredandeightythree.

"my friend mark is a dj"

vicente not ronson
and he's canadian
not british

mon ami mark est un dee-jay
oui oui
non non

that's something you might say
if you were at a set of his
at one of his fabuLOUD parties

excuse moi?
oui oui
non non

is something someone else might say
because they can't hear you
over all the fabuLOUD muzak

doesnt everyone love the muzak?
oui oui
non non

onehundredandeightytwo.

"the james cameron of fayetteville"

that is to say a person who makes movies
at a grand scale
in a small town

excepting that you dont have a camera
for grand scale camering
in small town-ering

your picture frames are then perhaps in only your mind
where the grand scale-ering
of the small town-ering takes place

they will win awards of photography and such
at a grand scale event
maybe in a not such a small a town

bravo
bravisimo
bravisisisisisisisimo

onehundredandeightyone.

"i sure am glad you didnt die"

that would have been sad times
bad times
not so rad times

now we can have good times
hood times
in the mood times

youre great
dont hate
call me late

-errrrrrr.

onehundredandeighty.

"inspiration station"

squeak squeak
beep beep
i feel urge by noise by love by beat
this word is the weirdest sound i ever heard
are you a gay worm or a perm or a bird

what the fuck
over
is happening
here
this is the weirdest happening i ever heard happening

stroke stroke stroke
my ego
my dick
my love
my trickkkkkkkk

is for kids

(im drunk)

onehundredandseventynine.

"i wish i was lil wayne"

or a porn star
either one would do
mad money
mad charm
mad dick
mad forearms

i could do that
that rap game
i could spit lyric
over line over beat over drum
over spit over spit over spit

over snares and base
thats what that kid says
snares and base
he said that shit before i typed that shit
basically ms cleo on this fucker

i could do that
that rap game
but i dont want to
porn star
over shirt over pant under pant under shirt

spit spit squirt squirt

onehundredandseventyeight.

"drunk and waiting for afghanistan-a to come"

afghanistan-a, my beautiful arabian princess
when will you be coming home
and gracing us with your princess grace presence?
i miss you
and ive been drinking all night
so i'll be an easy lay when you get home

i cant watch anymore paris hilton on mtv
i thought you would be here an hour ago
and ive watched an hour more of paris than i can actually handle
but for you
for you i'd wait a lifetime my arabian-a princesssssssss

j'adore
j'adore dior
and you
et vous
suck it

loveeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu
afghanistan-a

onehundredandseventyseven.

"lou reed is ovating my tv"

is that the right word?
'ovating'
ovulating
invading
obturading
that last one is no word i know
you're right
i made it up
you're a regular e.e.
who?
cummings
that's right
you know him?
of course
his book is on my coffee table
e.e. cummings writes the blues
and other assorted ramblings
neat
very.

onehundredandseventysix.

"this is a long twelve hours"

this is a long twelve hours
of wait
too long
perhaps ill drink alcohol
to pass the time

or read
or write
or beat the dog
with the dog beating stick
call peta now call

i too would like to know where the riverboat sails tonight
that might pass time
figuring out where it goes
maybe to the galapagos
with kurt vonnegut

maybe to stars hollow
with a gilmore girl
or two
maybe outside in the backyard
with the backyard dog beating stick

onehundredandseventyfive.

"dad's coming home"

in a couple of months
but excitement
ensues
enraptures
covers me
my land
my face
my dog
fifteen months
fifteen months in a land where there is war
thats too long
much too long
come home
stay with mom
for a while
stay in this country
and not that one
live
no guns
no bombs
no presidents or soldiers
no osamas or obamas
love
you're coming home
and im glad

onehundredandseventyfour.

"im not going to stand by a door until you come in"

here
you let yourself in
the door is open
you decide
decide to come in or not
its just like when sarah palin decides to be hot or not
and she always decides the former
to be hot
cause future potential presidents should be hot
not the opposite
not the latter
egads
never the latter

onehundredandseventythree.

"this is going to be art in front of eyeballs"

art for the sake of art
for the snake of it too
snakes love art
they like to slide on it
and slither
and inject venom into it

you're like a slithery venom-injected art lover
you snake
you auctioneer
you snake auctioneer
will it all work out, tom petty?

i hope so
i really do
for your sake
you snake
for the sake of the snake

onehundredandseventytwo.

"'garden state' had a good soundtrack too"

that's just something i wanted to say to wrap up something i was saying before
catch up

onehundredandseventyone.

"im going to listen to the 'elizabethtown' soundtrack until you come home"

cause i know you would do the same for me
you sappy corny sucker for a good tune
even from a horrible horrible movie
a horrible horrible horrible movie

elton john, lindsey buckingham, patty griffin,
tom petty, ryan adams
i feel like i'm in a moody episode of 'the o.c.'
marissa just overdosed
seth cohen just made a jewish joke

oh, kirsten dunst
you're teeth are so bad
so so so so horrible bad
but i think youre kinda brilliant
and even though this particular movie was not so good
the music was epic and your smile was epic and your skin

i liked 'marie antoinette'
i'll admit it
i like coppola
sofia and francis ford
and i love you little dunst
no matter what perez hilton says
that fat douche
that fat funny douche

this soundtrack is amazing
it's like the 'almost famous' soundtrack
meets the soundtrack from 'fern gully'
moving
epic
stirring
two enthusiastic thumbs up

this is my ode to kirsten dunst
i hope you liked it

onehundredandseventy.

"patty griffin type in love"

gonna write you a fat folk love song
that'll make you want to cry and throw up
at the same time
make you wanna write a romantic comedy
starring sandra bullock
make you wanna rip the script in half
and jump in the middle
rap yourself up in it
and take a nap
wake up and pour yourself some hot cocoa
sip and smile and smirk and think
about me
about me writing you a fat folk love song
and about me loving you
like sandra bullock would
cause i love you
like sandra bullock would

onehundredandsixtynine.

"did you say 'sixty-nine'?"

oui
but in french
so i said...(in french) 'sixty-nine'
i didnt know i could speak french
you can't
that was stage directions
the words would sound in french
but appear in english
oh

onehundredandsixtyeight.

"that music sounds so weird coming from your lack of speakers"

its transparent
or that thing that goes through the air like whales talk
yeah, whale talk
it's that

today was a load of whale talk
work that is
and the ness that was before work
the before-work-ness

it was all a jumbledy jiggle
waiting for you when i thought you would be here
waiting for the phone
but only hearing whale talk

unamused
unrefused
un-watching-that-channel-fuze
the music channel that places whale talk music

huh
i dont like that channel
with it's speakerless speakers
its transparent whale noise word talk

its that

onehundredandsixtyseven.

"youre really worried about shit that doesnt actually matter"

dont show me anymore silly little maps
ill smack them in your faces
that one and that face over there
you're two faced
no i counted again
three faced

this stuff doesnt honestly matter
honestly
i mean really
honestly
it doesnt matter

so just go back to pretending it does matter
but dont talk to me about it
cause im not not pretending it doesnt matter
and my pretending is stronger
cause my pretend is real

suck it

onehundredandsixtysix.

"out of the field out of my mind"

out of milk
that whore left and didnt even restock the cow juice
bitch
i oughta milk you til your tits dry up
and turn to tit dust

good to be home
good to be here
good to be queer
at writing
queer writing
not sex
thats gay

you're fucking style is so out of hand
out of the field
out of your mind
shakespeare would disapprove
but then understand
cause you're out of milk

onehundredandsixtyfive.

"good grief you send me a lot of spam e-mail charlie brown"

my inbox is full of your chain mail spamalies
i dont care if sarah palin is the best candidate
or why ron paul should be burned/hanged/loved
or how many people i have to send how many things to to get how many things
or so on or so on

you only learned how to send emails like three years ago
and now i get about fifty million from you per day
and when i send you a real email
you send me one-liners
this doesnt make sense!

youre eighty-two years BOLD
bold to send me so many spammers
bold to ask me to email you regular things
bold to not send me back regular replies
bold to be the most republican person on the planet mccain

but i dig you
i dig you hard
youre the best grandpa who's ever told me an awkward high school boner story there is
keep on rocking with your junk mailers, opa
ich bin ein berliner

onehundredandsixtyfour.

"may be a closet kurt vonnegut fan"

or character
i am a character in a kurt vonnegut novel
i am wait
i am hoover
i am trout

you are kilgore trout?

oui
i am

how biblical of you

the 'i am' part

yah

thanks, i liked the 'oui' part better

non, the french is c'est passe

ok

onehundredandsixtythree.

"need to pack but dont want to go"

thats a joni mitchell song, yah?
no
it isnt
yellow sidewalk submarines or something
dee dee dee
that's pretty noises

agree
singer/songwriter/blogmaster
70s called
they want their singer/songwriter back
im hip to your lingo, 70s
and i aint coming groovy back

ya dig?

onehundredandsixtytwo.

"watching sixty mike mikes to figure out the inside delta force sitch"

i dont want to go delta force
really?
yes
why?
because i think it's tough
ok.
and i cant keep a secret
that's reasonable.
i dont think i can maintain a square jaw and a six pack year round
good point.
im a complainer
word.
and a procrastinator
to your mother.
and i hate punctuation
*($)!(@*#_)#%.!!>

onehundredandsixtyone.

"showdown at the morganton redlight coral"

this is as serious a tale as has ever been told
in the history of tales
and tails

honk honk honk honk
i need to go to the gas station
honk honk
i dont care

finger finger
fuck your mother
finger finger back
no fuck your mother

green light
drive away
fat finger no letting over lady following
finger finger honk honk honk

faster faster gas
shes catching up
looks like shes about to battering ram us
finger finger

she didnt
she turned
i live in this fucking neighborhood
now that fat ass knows where i live

i dont care
i have to live here too
?
not true...you live in a different country and are just visiting and crashing on my couch and fighting with puerto ricans at stop lights cause they won't let us get over to get gas so they chase us down the road and nearly kill us

that's where you live

onehundredandsixty.

"great giant mirror i dream of you"

i dream of you in the non-fairy tale way
but the hgtv i want you in my house way
candice olson would do the same

i will own you one day
one day after the next pay day
candice olson would do the same

and when i put you behind my starbucks
you will look so good when you reflect the goodness of good
candice olson would do the same

youre a leak and what a leak you are
o the greeks would write such an ode to you
candice olson would do the same

give me 500 dollhairs so i can buy you
no big deal
candice olson would do the same

onehundredandfiftynine.

"tattoo on my face looks like ludwig van"

babe ruth tattooed me the other day
with a babeball bat
gave me tatwo nice shiners
and a broken tooth
look like ludwig van beerthoven
's second symphony
or his eighth

i was really young when my third son was born
named him van beerthoven the ninth
hit him with a babeball bat
gave him tatwo nice shiners
and a broken tooth
made him look like ludwig van beerthoven
's third symphony
or his ninth

i lied to my mom every night sneaking out of the house
she named me van beerthoven the twelfthiest
she knocked me in the head with a beerball bat
gave me tatwo shiners nice
and a broken tooth
me look like ludwig van babethoven
's twelfthiest symphony
or his first

onehundredandfiftyeight.

"my job consists of going places to do nothing"

which sounds interesting
but places of going include fields
and forests
and woods
and treelines

i need a camera
to take pictures of these going nothing happening places
to rememberize them
to write them and right them
the forests and woods
and treelines

can you take my job from/for me
for/from a little while til a little while from/for now
appreciation guaranteed
ill pay you in cash
or forests or woods
or treelines

cold hard treelines

onehundredandfiftyseven.

"this is uninspired"

writing cause i should but not cause i know what to write
clearing head of stupid things
like vonnegut in 'breakfast of champions'
no more pictures of asterick assholes in there
get em on paper
and out of head

dwayne hoover
asterick asshole creator of the universe
i got a couple of you up there in my brain-o
will end up like your wife
drinking drano
if i dont get you on paper

vonnegut
me
not comparably similar
he's an ok writer
im brilliant
of course

jk jk jk jk jk jk lol lol lol lol

onehundredandfiftysix.

"lazy saturday morning afternoons"

how come youre all the way over there in afghanistan
normally youre here on saturdays
and we go to target
for coffee
and to listen to weird people
and buy things we dont need
and buy things we dont want
and buy things

how come youre all the way over there in afghanistan
normally youre here in my bed
on saturdays
and we just lie there
and think about things that we dont need
and think about things that we dont want
and think about things

how come youre all the way over there in afghanistan
normally youre just here
everyday but especially saturdays
and we walk the dogs or dont or work out or not
and talk about things we dont need
and talk about things we dont want
and talk about things

i miss you
when youre all the way over there in afghanistan
je taime
that means something in french
that i hope i can say to you one day
in person
on saturdays

onehundredandfiftyfive.

"woke up with the faintest rememberies of last night's faintness"

going to bed listening to the faint
on my pullout rugged worn down college futon
regretting letting my mom sleep on my bed in my room
i realized that my brain was about to take a nightmare trip
on elm street
or road

i live on a road
and i need to pay bills
for that road
tomorrow
or today

make coffee make coffee make coffee
plus ephedra
awake
hgtv and online furniture shopping all day
random

who?
what is this about?
not sure
ok
talk to you never

onehundredandfiftyfour.

"string cheese incident part II"

hold on.
i'm watching paris hilton's new bff.
ill bff-right back

and return
enter writer stage left
he writes
dilligently
dillinger-ently
beautimously

paris is cool
i could be cool
i could be her cool bff (text me)

onehundredandfiftythree.

"pushup for pushup sake"

instead of doing pushups
im just going to eat push-pops
both ways will make me grow big
one in the arms
one in the stomach

w.w.f.f.d.
what would fred flinstone do
eat push-pops
and then ride in a car with no shoes on
or gas pedals

he really worked off a lot of the calories that way
f.f. needed to stay fit
for wilma
she was a hood rat chick for sure
loved the caveman dick (esp. barney's)

onehundredandfiftytwo.

"i am no longer unintentionally boycotting perez hilton"

i forgot about you
perez
until i saw you on vh1
the other day
looking almost skinny

missing you i ran to my computer
logged on
typed in
sat back
engorged

gossip gossip gossip
still dont know why you hate jennifer aniston
still dont know why she spells her name 'jennifer' and not 'jennifre'
perez
can you answer that for me

in a sarcastic manner
in a sarcastic biased trashy cum-drawing manner
expose me
use me
splatter me all over the internet

ill return the favor
sexually
orrrrrrrrr not.

onehundredandfiftyone.

"paris fashion week. moi et jean paul gaultier"

no big deal
we're friends
best
marc jacobs is so jealous he now spells his name with a 'k'
tragique

dita von teese comforted him
with a bubble bath
and a palm job
palm
job
hot

im sorry mark
hope we can be friends too
and you can spell your name the other way again
the 'marc' way
eerie
pennsylvania

onehundredandfifty.

"wet dog + dry house = im gonna beat up my dog in my dry house until he gets dry"

peta called
and wanted you to give your dog back
to a shelter
supposedly ellen degeneres has something to do with this
(cue the tears)

ill turn him in
on one condition
you suck on some bullets first
shoot em up
(peta)
gangsta style
(cue the blood)

onehundredandfortynine.

"sharks eating orchids every which where"

and rihanna's busy doing 'numa numa' remixes
what a crazy day
chasing paper
fielding marches
living lifes
or lifing lives
either
both

hows your mom
i aint seen her since tuesday
before last
ok
tell her i said 'what up'
'numa numa'

onehundredandfortyeight.

"'my new dj name is dj gay love' he texted"

really?
i like it
what about just 'gay love'
or dj buzzkill
that was the second option

what about a mixture of the two choices
dj buzz gay
dj gay kill
dj buzz love
dj love kill

suck it dj AM
youre no longer the cool kid on the GLOCK
bout to shoot out some musical bullets all over your turntable
sonnnnnn

onehundredandfortyseven.

"work that clit cum girl"

speaking of things that i was talking to your mom about the other day
she wanted to know where i got those pears
i by pears i do not mean the giant balls she likes to rest on her chin
the ones i got from marshall's that i put on the dining room table
she drooled over them
and right onto my fat cock

your mom is a whore
for decoration
she loves a good trip to pier one
and then a good spear one in her guts
'stir them guts' she screams
when we make paint on wall

onehundredandfortysix.

"last night when i was watching 'gossip girl' and masturbating..."

i realized i wasn't watching 'gossip girl'
and it wasnt leighton meester i was masterBEATing to
i was watching 'golden girls'
and pleasuring myself to rue mclanahan

'gossip girl'
'golden girls'

damnit blanche
you look so fine in that mumu and kitten heels
put on a boa and take me to bed
i wanna lick lick lick you from your head to your toessssss

onehundredandfortyfive.

"gay porn til you die"

M.I.A, question for you you brown ass hot bitch
what are you doing tonight
i was thinking about having some friends over
smoke a little chron chron
eat some easy mac
maybe watch a little gay porn

you in?

if not i understand your busy-ness
you're probably hanging out with natalie portman
and scarlett johansson
the other other boleyn girl
thats who you are
dipped in chocolate ready to serve i love you like chinese food

onehundredandfortyfour.

"mark (n.) a german currency; a hot dj; a dark mole denoting beauty"

ive been listening to T.I. for the last 46 minutes so it will be hard to wax poetic on all that is mark dj vicente in a way that is indie meets shakespeare without a sparkle of street mixed in (yes, t.i. sparkles)
but he was born
the same day madonna was
well that she was reborn
into magical judaism
coincidence?
no

that same day janet jackson also waxed her fat beav
it was attractive
she gave it a jerry curl
it looked like eddie murphy in 'coming to america'

love his music live his music
eddies and mark djs
my mark dj likes to party all the time party all the timmmeeeee
any questions
didnt think so

book him
today
(call me larry tee)
(today or tomorrow)

onehundredandfortythree.

"is that a giant poster of a dog on your wall or are you just happy to see me"

the first
the first one is the one that i will answer that it is
for this instance
i would be happy to see you under any other circumstances
just not this one
it's weird
in a weird way

you pooped on my bed
remember

onehundredandfortytwo.

"this girl i went to school with just called and said 'hey' to which i said 'ok'"

cause i hadnt heard from her in a little while
and i didnt know who it was
even though we were besties on the facebook
bestie bestie besties
for life and forever and so on

but she looks better on the internet
so when she was fat in person it was hard to recognize through all those LBs
lose the LBs
i'll remember you
we can be in a relationship on the facebook again
duh

onehundredandfortyone.

"i dont like your away message, cathy"

its malade
and i dont like it when tu es malade
scrappy
thats your nickname
i just gave it to you
love it
or lose it
or fuck yourself you silly cunt
you silly away message lame cunt

i miss you

onehundredandforty.

"slut slut slut (in a good way)"

you wear that trashy sexy slutty little number
wednesday thursday saturday sunday
and i like it
more each day but most on the last day
cause its not been washed for like five days
hot
dirt

why dont you wear it on friday
that trashy sexy slutty little number
it could be nice
to see
then

onehundredandthirtynine.

"parades are not as cool as 40s movies make them out to be"

we got it, cary grant
you love parades
and easter bonnets
but when you are wearing a maroon beret
and it is late september to early october
or mid june to midder june
the parade is the four letterest word i've ever heard of

march march march
no more march
until march
then i will march for whoever you want me to march for
especially if its for my birthday
which is late march
to early april

onehundredandthirtyeight.

"5.30 AM is earlier in the AM than i would like it to be"

but ill be there
cause its my job
and i love work
more than rosie odonnel loves blogging
or lesbian-ing

i love work so much that my face hurts when i am not at work
like hurts in a way that burns
like chlamydia
a facial chlamydia burn
maybe i should get that checked out

rosie, can you give me a chlam scan?

onehundredandthirtyseven.

"you dont write for thirteen days and then you think you can just jump back on like nothing happened like there was no break like we never were apart like im some sort of blog journal poetry whore you cant live without you"

geesh blog journal poetry whore,
i didnt realize you were so sensitive.
i didnt have internet for a long time,
and then i got it.
for you.

you journal whore,
you sexy cunt journal whore,
i wanna dribble poetry all over you.
lick lick suck suck,
poetry before we fuck.

onehundredandthirtysix.

"i'm sorry you got bit by fire ants in the backyard"

serves you right you dog
you digging dugging loving hugging dog
you dug a hole in an ant hill and ants hilled a dig in your face
your nose looks bad
in a non-good way

it looks like jessica simpson before the proactive
or like a hobbit/yoda offspring
whichever is worse
(the former)
(is worse)

but i still love you you dig dug love hug dog

onehundredandthirtyfive.

"dont go to afghanistan"

i know you have to as it makes you big and strong
and happy
and makes people respect you more even though they respect you infinitely
and gives you awards and gives you jewish sayings
and makes your dick grow
and your hair on your chest come in thicky thick

even though all those things are positively true-ish
i still wish you would stay here with me
and the house
and the non-bullets
and the non-IEDs
and the non-death

you're going to be fine
i know it
i know you know it and i'm trying to make myself know it
so saying 'i know it' makes me seem confident about the knowing
be safe
keep your head down
i'll love you forever

onehundredandthirtyfour.

"big couch big room big couch little room"

the big couch fits and is comfortable
in the big room
but had i had a smaller room
and tried to fit the same big couch in there
i wouldve been double penetration fucked
and not in a good way

the dinosaur egg pillows are gone
like that was even a question
they looked like fred flinstone's unborn fetuses
or 'feet-i'
i dont blame wilma for the abortion
i just wish she would have consulted me first

choice!

onehundredandthirtythree.

"my boyfriend's back and youre going to be in trouble"

new mexico was far and flat and gay and desert
but here was boring and alone and flat and gay and desert
mojave
-esque
bon jovi
-esque

but youre back now
so ill forget about the boring far flat gay desert alone days
and look forward to the near pleasant obtuse vast forest days
jungle
-esque
upton sinclair
-esque

welcome home

onehundredandthirtytwo.

"its called a 'hiatus' for a reason, clown"

moved into a new house
which was almost destroyed by hurricane, nee tropical storm, hanna
what a bitch
no internet
no tv
no bratty former roommate who wont pay the rent on the APT

dog happy
boy happy
world happy

this is the maid speaking by the way

onehundredandthirtyone.

"tabitha from 'tabitha's salon takeover' is taking over"

she came by yesterday

to say what up and stuff

and i thought it was just a friendly business

but then she tossled that dikey blonde doo of hers

and got down to business

'get to work' she yelled australian-ly

'it needs pops of colour'

'it needs more freedom and pashion and maybe pornography'

'porno makes hair salons happen'

'especially lesbian porno'

we fixed it so it would be nice for her

she loves porno

and now so do we

unfortunately we went out of business

we'll be serving her papers soon

onehundredandthirty.

"i added you on facebook and you didnt accept my friend request"

of course thats not true
as previously mentioned i am the one who rejects people on social websites
because i am cool with it
i think i have mentioned that before as well

like for example
the men's and women's 4x100 relay team in track & field tried to add me
and i said 'no'
'i dont add people that drop batons'

i put a couple of exclamation points after that exclamation
just to emphasize the importance of a proper baton handoff
and then i included a link
of a fisting video (not safe for work)

onehundredandtwentynine.

"tequila and lemonade"

and not the tila kind
i used to be friends with her on myspace
before the tv show
and then i deleted my myspace account

so technically i was friends with her before she was famous
and i was de-friends with her before she was famous
i de-best friended her
cause i was probably in her top 8

i never checked to verify that
but im sure i was
i had a picture of a cock and a pussy
and i heard a rumour that she likes both

onehundredandtwentyeight.

"my heart is racing and my t-shirt is ironic"

my roommate just scared the shit out of me
by just sitting there
without me knowing about it
i mean shouldnt he have called or sent a messenger pidgeon

no but it still was scary
and my t-shirt is ironic not in the way dealing with the roommate
but just in the way of life
because it has a guy with a nosebleed on it

and it says 'cocaine blows'
irony at its best
or worst.
im not really sure what the word 'irony' means

i just heard it in an alanis morissette song

onehundredandtwentyseven.

"kathy griffin was at my house last night naked in bed"

we ordered chinese food
in honor of the olympics almost being over
and added 'in bed naked' to the end of all our fortunes

she started crying
and i reminded her that no one likes to see a clown cry
and she said 'thanks tiffany i appreciate it'

i said 'youre welcome'
even though my name isnt tiffany
who corrects a clown?

onehundredandtwentysix.

"you can't wear flip-flops to the gym"

unless your john kerry
and then you can flip-flop wherever you want to
except into the white house
no flip-flopping in the white house, mr kerry

save the flip-flops for your bedroom
with your ketchup wife
wouldnt it be cool if kerry was mccain's VP
then his ketchup wife could hang out with mccain's beer wife

ketchup and beer
making mongolian children smile since 1943
wasn't that during the second world war
yes it was. you are very good at history, dan quayle

onehundredandtwentyfive.

"so tired of the olympics"

im sorry how unamerican that is
arrest me, mr mccarthy
put me on trial with lucille ball
i dont care
the olympics have gone too far

i cannot watch one more game of beach volleyball
send me back to cuba
with desi and little ricky
deport me as far away from here as possible
so i dont have to hear bob costas make mary carillo fake laugh one more time

i get it
theres a fried scorpion on a stick
its not funny in english or mandarin
its as not funny as underage chinese girls
if youre 14 and you can flip like that you should be allowed to win medals

it has been said
so shall it be

onehundredandtwentyfour.

"everyone is everywhere:
a quide to new york nightlife in the twenty-hundreds"

rule one.
if amanda lepore gives you a drink do NOT drink it.
youll end up falling down a hole and in wonderland (a new bar in the w. village)

rule two.
dont try and buy special k off the street.
itll end up being mashed up aspirin and youll have lost 60 bucks cause the guy ran away.

rule three.
dont snort mashed up aspirin.
heroin, despite the rumours, is not so passe. try that instead.

rule four.
always meet the dj especially if they're canadian.
or australian. foreign djs make the best companions as they are foreign and djs.

rule five.
i dont know what im talking about.
ive never even been to new york.

onehundredandtwentythree.

"because dirty house should be dirtier and less trite"

this is what my house track sounded like:
"blah blah blah/
im boring and trite and unoriginal/
a drag queen could have written this song"

this is what it should have sounded like:
"i fuck i suck i kick i punch/
im gonna kill you and fuck you and stab you with love/
in my dancehole/
lubricate my dancehole/
lick my dancehole/
suck my dancehole/
do everything but dance in my dancehole/
you pussy faggots"

any questions?

onehundredandtwentytwo.

"onehundredandtwentyone was an attempt at dirty house vocals"

just explaining what i was going for
cause i think you might be a little confused
not like you deserved an explanation
i mean youre nice and all but i do what i want

but anyway moving on
a word of advice for the rest of the day
CONJUNCTION
its a word that i heard today and ive never heard it before

CONJUNTION
it means fuck you i think
but im not sure
look it up

onehundredandtwentyone.

"i like it too much to say i love it"

i hate it too much to say i need it
i crave it too much to say i bleed it
i want it too much to not heed it

love it hate it really really need it
i cant stand to miss you and mean it

love it hate it hurt hurt bleed it
i cant stand to lose you and see it

i waste it too much to say id use it
i yearn it too much to say i wont abuse it
i heart it too much to lose it

onehundredandtwenty.

"the plural of toilet is toilet"

dear resident,
please move your gas grill
as it is against fire codes
on your back porch
thanks,
the front office

dear front office,
i dont care
i will keep it there
and poop on it
and you will like it
thanks,
the resident

dear resident,
we will like your poop
as we always have
please accept our apologies
your dick is enormous
love,
the front office

dear front office,
duh
love you back,
the resident

onehundredandnineteen.

"i had the greatest idea to put pictures of toilet in my toilet today"

as stated i had a great idea
unfortunately i got distracted
and ended up putting pictures of chrysler buildings in my bathroom

i know theres only one official chrysler building
but i took pictures of all the unofficial ones
as they are more abstract and more building and chrysler like

one of them is shaped like a toilet if that counts
it was made by count von chrysler
in nineteen hundred and ninety two

after he built it he sailed the ocean blue
and discovered french guiana
how interesting

onehundredandeighteen.

"the lady from 'beethoven' is going to show up and be really mad"

you chewed up all my DKNY sneakers
and i dont own any DKNY sneakers
so you mustve chewed up someone elses DKNY sneakers
and brought someone elses DKNY sneakers back to my apartment

i hope DONNA KARAN reads this and decides to sponsor me
im running in the olympics
or NEW YORK
NEW YORK can sponsor me too

look for me at the detroit 2011 games
go for the GOLD!
or silver or bronze

onehundredandseventeen.

"the ephedra i was prescribed has not kicked in"

call the doctor
im experiencing hypo-glycemia
or hypo-dance-emia
i cant stop dancing
or 'glyceming'
huh?

dont ask dont tell
that sentence up there doesnt make sense
well things cant make since if youre not medicated
safely of course
by educated smart people
or drug dealers

boy george is my drug dealer
deal with it
thats his catch phrase
'deal with it'
its like howie mandel
except theres no such thing as 'no deal with it'

fuck the banker

onehundredandsixteen.

"just another day on craigslist"

i hope that some of these missed connections get answered
cause how sad would it be if someone just posted something
like 'i saw you next to me at the harris teeter'
and they honestly thought there was a connection and the other person just never knew
or never logged onto craigslist

its half pathetic half the coolest thing in the world
craigslist
i want a coffee table/i want a blow job
both can happen
both can happen AND have no strings AND be awesome

'no strings anonymous coffee table buyer seeks hot white girl
OR boy to service my coffee table buying needs
AND my cock
420 is cool
LOVE craig'

onehundredandfifteen.

"i ate half a bag of popcorn and i feel like dancing"

half of the above statement is true
actually, scratch that
the whole thing is true
nothing like CSS and popcorn makes me want to dance

except for amanda lepore and girls named 'john'
hey 'john' what are you doing?
still working on your dance moves, huh?
well too bad, cause i just ate a half a bag of popcorn and i really wanna dance

with you
ooo-ooo-ooo
(that's supposed to be like moaning)
(it's not my telephone number)

onehundredandfourteen.

"kavinsky you sound like you should be making classical music but youre making sex-ical music"

1986 called and they asked for my brother
cause he was born that year and i wasnt
and they said 'hey this is kavinsky'
and i said 'im sorry he cant come to the phone right now'

they said 'well fuck you from 1985 we dont talk to no oldies'
i said 'im an oldie but a goodie'
and they said 'not goodie enough!'
and the dial tone rang out in my ear

'bing bing bing' sang the dial tone
'damn you, 1986' i screamed to no one and the dial tone at the same time
'i'll never answer your calls again'
but i will, cause i love me the young ones

onehundredandthirteen.

"this one is for santogold and for some other people"

the other people are tokyo police club
and its for them because their sounds are so ethno-traditional
its very irish meets scotish
very east village meets west village

or thats what she said
someone who writes for some trendy magazine
some trendy music magazine that looks hotter than it reads
'i'd rather look at your cover than scan your inside' i yelled

and she didnt say anything back
that certain journalist someone
who likes le tigre but doesnt like the ting tings
only cause she bends towards the french side of things

which of course means she's gay
and communist
friggin french communist pink-o gays
love you, hate you, love you

onehundredandtwelve.

"broadway and myrtle, bushwick NY"

get me on the J and take me all the way back to fuckin broadway and myrtle
no i dont want your motha fuckin L train you little williamsburg pussies
i live in bushwick
and i la-la-la-love it

i love the stink the pink
the puerto rican minks
the bars the stars the pimped out cars
the channing-tatum-in-'a-guide-to-recognizing-your-saints'-looking-hotties

'that movie took place in queens'
my friend dimitri said
'fuck you dog' i said back
and i said 'dog' spelled 'dog' not like 'dawg' cause im cool with it

onehundredandeleven.

"vin diesel stars in 'zzz' in theatres everywhere next september"

the theme song for 'requiem for a dream' is everywhere now
which makes no sense when someone uses a score from one movie
for a bunch of other movies
and tv shows and whatnot

aren't there a bunch of poor homeless score writers out there
who just want to write music for vin diesel movies
but can't cause you use the music from some hot indie movie that came out like ten years ago
they're just starving and eating dog food because of you

in summation, save the score writers of the world
let them write you slightly repetitive semi-classical music
let it play at the exciting moments or at least during the theatrical trailer
score writers are the future OR it takes a village to raise a score writer

onehundredandten.

"if you didnt work so late we could go to the gym earlier"

i know your job is important and stuff
probably more important than mine
at which i rock at
like suede from 'project runway season 5'

but i think you should come home early sometime
i miss you (one reason)
and i wish we could get started on stuff we have to do earlier (thats the second reason)
like go to the gym

i appreciate the time i get to spend with the dog
especially at 5 when we watch 'gilmore girls' together
he learned how to cuddle with me
mainly because he loves rory and lorelei and their trials and tribulations

but i wish i could see you while i was seeing the dog and the girls of gilmore
ill just take a picture of you
so i can look at it
thats a good idea or the greatest idea i ever heard of

onehundredandnine.

"the dog that wouldn't stop barking"

is dead now
he just wouldn't stop barking
and it got real annoying
and now he is dead
now

the repetive now is a prominent fixture in american literature
esp. in american blog literature
and i mean this blog specifically if you were wondering
so dont go reading other blogs and telling them i told you they use 'now' too much
like i know you would had i not asked you not too

now
as i was saying
the dog kept barking even when people were throwing him stuff
and now he is dead
now

onehundredandeight.

"kim kardashian just shat on me"

well thats not entirely true
but the person whom i live with just came home
and that's as stinky as a kim kardashian poop
which is big and smelly and from long island

it pretends it's from los angeles
of course
but just like i know youre not a cab driver, robert deniro
youre definitely not from L.A., my big bottomed best friend

i like your fat tranny sister though
and your mom is hot
t.t.y.l

onehundredandseven.

"ive seen this episode of 'scrubs' a million times"

but ill watch it again
the girl from 'roseanne' is almost as great as ellen page
which is pretty great if youve read anything ive written in the past
especially in the past let's say couple of entries
(see: the one before this one)

zach braff is also funny
and he wrote the movie with natalie portman
that i also wish i wouldve written
to hang out with nat (whom im still waiting on answer to that proposal)
(see: several entries ago)

now the question i have now even while watching this show
should i have used 'whom' before or 'who'
or maybe 'that' or 'which'
who knows
or is it 'whom' knows
(see: i dont know)

onehundredandsix.

"i wish i wrote 'juno'"

firstly because i would love to have worn an animal print sleeveless number to the oscars
with a hot tattoo on the upper arm area
and hot like a jordin sparks song hot
with maybe some jimmy choos or a nice open toe prada

but secondly and most importantly
because i want to have hung out with in the past ellen page
cause i think we would have gotten along
and would still get along

and she would text me on the hard days
and the in between days
just to say 'hey' or 'whats up buddy?' and i would say 'hey' back
with maybe an emoticon for G.P.

that would be great
ellen, if youre reading this, and i know you are
can you just give me a shout on the cellular
appreciate it...the number is 555-555-5555 (its real)

onehundredandfive.

"je veux un enfant de toi"

thats some serious french

from which i learned on an internet website

that was on my laptop during work today

thats right i got paid to eat french in my brain

the computer just told me 'it's 10 oclock'

but not in french

so i ignored it

because i am french and that is what french people do

i am better than you (said in a french accent)

onehundredandfour.

"wouldnt it be cool if we all lived in beijing and all won golden medals"

or silver

dara torres won a silver medal

and she's hot and old so i dont think it's so bad

to just win a silver medal

i dont really want to live in beijing though

isnt that where aids comes from

no, that's SARS

isn't that the same thing?

no.

onehundredandthree.

"i took an ambien but it has yet to kick in"

thank you for producing 'the hills' adam divello

it has brought the soleil to my life in a way that i cannot explain

more so than 'punky brewster' did

and soleil moon frye who played the title role so endearingly

adam adam adam divello

i want to write a greek ode to you

or about you

whichever is the appropriate way to do that

i havent read 'antigone' in a long time

but i would read it again in order to know how to write a greek ode to you, adam

you will be the oedipus to my rex

and i will be the rex to your oedi-pussy

think about

its sexual

onehundredandtwo.

"noone's gonna read this"

there is supposed to be a space between 'no' and 'one'

but sometimes spaces are not as cool as not-spaces

just ask buzz aldrin

or that other guy from the moon

they would both agree that space space is the kind of space there needs

with the repeated 'space'

cause one walk on the moon is one step for something or rather

or however that saying goes

im not very good at history

even though i invited half of it

in a book that i wrote many years ago

did you read it?  cause you should

onehundredandone.

"and i dont mean dalmations"

im not as nervous anymore

mainly because im watching 'the hills'

and my life is hardly as dramatic as these people's lives

on the for real tip though

it must be tres hard living in a hot pad

and having hot friends 

and designing on things that arent that hot

but that you price up to pretend youre hot

no wonder kitson dropped your brand

you wont even wear your own shit to the premiere party

rock that robert cavalli 

but dont be surprised when he doesnt rock that lauren conrad

just being honest

real real honest

p.s. invite me to L.A.

i want to hang out with audrina and whitney (i love you whit whit)

onehundred.

"nervous but not so nervous as last time but still nervous"

there's really no reason to be nervous
cause a million people have done it before me
like since last century sometime
but it still is crazy and a pretty important decision

and i have had bubble guts all day
and will tomorrow too
but youre still not here to hold me
and polar bears are struggling to survive on tv

i really think polar bears have it easy
they never have to jump out of aeroplanes

ninetynine.

"party like its 19...ninetynine?"

id rather party like its 1945
at the end of the war
with parades in the street
and sailors kissing women for publicity and cause they like it

or what about 1980
women first graduated from the u.s. military academy
i think there was an olympics somewhere
and there was probably some sort of war but not like the one now

or how about the year 19-sixtynine
one i think that was when woodstock was although i may be way off
and there was that song about the summer of 69 (thats the number two reason)
and its a fuckin rad number...because of the sexual inuendo if you didnt know what i was talking about

ninetyeight.

"happy birthday young man here's a meat bone"

six months old
six months bold
six months youre still chewing on the bathroom cabinets

six months cool
six months tool
six months why do you still bark inside like a girl

six months rad
six months mad
six months i like when you run around the house by yourself in circles

happy birthday young man

ninetyseven.

"can we just go downstairs already, MJ?"

can we just go downstairs already, mj?

we've been waiting at the top of the stairs for about 47 minutes

and my belly is about to explode from the spicy trio at the sushi restaurant

and all you wanna do is stand and shiver

when i could just as easily utilize the commode at the bottom of these steps

honestly

be brave

walk downstairs

i dont care if youre a chihuahua

yo quiero to go down the stair-o's.  and taco bell-o.

ninetysix.

"i'll take 'confusing parker posey movies for 500', alec"

'broken english' is a movie starring parkey posey

and some other people who are as famous

like the lady from 'the notebook'

and the young guy from that one movie

but it was really weird

in a way that i liked but i was also very confused

and someone was snoring in it

and i didnt even see it in a movie theatre so that was weird

i meant to see it in the village 

next to my gym which was conveniently located across the street from the BEST...

margarita place in town

the dots were for suspense, the margs were for my belly

recommendation: if you see parker posey in soho

while you are driving your 1994 toyota 4runner (a red one)

yell at her and say things like

'you are great! you are confusing but you are great!'

ninetyfive.

"first day of yoga jitters"

unfortunately they were in my pants

the jitters

and they came out rather quickly

well not so quickly

after about 14 downward-dogs-to-cobbler transitions

that's when the jitters showed up

one was pretty solid 

but the rest was pretty hershey squirt-esque

it wouldnt have been so bad

had that not just put down carpet in the yoga room

600 thread egyptian carpet

hand sewn by iran-iraq war amputees

quelle tragique

ninetyfour.

"its raining outside because god hates the infantry"

im sorry you are outside doing soldier business

in the rain

while me and john are inside drinking sangrias

and watching '27 dresses'

katherine heigl is a really attractive girl

and i appreciate that she doesnt mind that her teeth look like she chewed on rocks 

as a child

because sometimes children do that

come inside from the rain, soldier boy

youve de-exploded enough ordnance for one day

come make chocolate covered strawberries (of the white chocolate variety)

and watch grey gardens and put face masks on

come

ninetythree.

"natalie portman this is an invitation and a proclamation (sp?)"

sorry, nat, im way too lazy right now to look up how to spell 'proclamation'
and i know that doesnt make me seem extremely attractive to you
at least not as attractive as say gael garcia bernal
who dated you and could probably spell 'proclamation' in a billion languages

but here goes nothing...
i proclaim, and invite you to proclaim also, that i love you
your face is squishy in that good way that its small
and when you cried in garden state i thought it was cute and sad and i almost cried

no pressure on the reverse proclamation
or however you spell it
but ill be waiting by the phone later tonight
and probably tomorrow into the early evening

ninetytwo.

"when people named mark dont mention you in their blog"

its no big deal really
just because someone mentions someone in their blog
doesnt mean that the other someone
a specific canadian someone
has to mention the first someone in their respective blog

even if the first someone introduced the second someone
to alexander despatie
the paris hilton of canada
and the second someone was now dating the now third someone
that doesnt mean anything

in the end its okay
and just to clarify
yes, canada doesnt have a real paris hilton
and they have replaced her with the male olympic diver version
no big deal

ninetyone.

"stop looking at me with that crazy i killed a lemon face"

you smell really good
but your face is distorted in such a manner
that it looks like youre crying and laughing
like the girl from the michael phelps commercial

your foot is also turned in making you look awkward
which i understand the benefits of awkward-icity
but come on
get it together man

spray paint something or get off the fucking bus
a spike lee joint

ninety.

"australian gate guards and other misc events over the last week and a half"

i knew her before the last week and a half
almost four months now
maybe five
and i always thought she was german from the way her hair was gray and the way her face was crusty
but then i heard her say 'barb'

which is in many ways a similar word to the popular 'barbie'
as in 'throw another shrimp on the barbie'
which i never thought was polite
wouldnt ken get mad if his girlfriend (gf) was covered in shrimp all the time?
do they call that a pearl necklace or am i mistaken?

anyway so she said 'barb'
my mother's name
and i realized she was an ian-thorpe-loving-muriels-wedding-attending AUSSIE
and i couldnt have been more excited (or excepted which is what i originally typed)
i mean remember when that aborigine girl won the 400 in sydney

her name was kathy freeman
i looked it up
and how to spell 'aborigine'
fuck edukation

eightynine.

"i could be more quiet but then how fun would i be"

would you want me around then?
like i dont really like my dog barking all the time
but if he stopped barking entirely
it would be quite drab quite as the french say 'blah blah blah'

and how can you be quiet at a time like this anyway
i just discovered an entirely new medium of art
i would equate this to the day picasso found the color blue
or maybe van gogh i never took art history

tres interesant...blah blah blah

eightyeight.

"realizing typos and favorite numbers"

sometimes after i write something
i realize there are typos
but typos are like art

like what if jackson pollock dripped paint
but he thought he dripped too much paint
but to some people it would be just the right amount of paint

thats art

adding that my favorite number is 88
because of four things
but i will only tell you one

eric lindros

eightyseven.

"just cause the american bald eagle is my favorite bird doesn't mean youre all that"

i get it you shaved your head
now you think youre hot or something
well you are but it still doesnt excuse your attitude
unless you have cancer

if you have cancer
i 100 percent retract all of the above statements
but i doubt you have cancer cause youre really tall
and you drive too fast too have cancer

if you are a nazi now i dont retract the statements
but i wish you the best in your new endeavor
except by the best i mean the worst
cause nazis are not cool in the way that it is not cool to be not cool

like if someone said 'bad' and they actually meant 'bad'
not the 90s way or the michael jackson way
it aint so hip to be cool
or bald

eightysix.

"i ate three candy bars i am so mad at him"

that's not very healthy, john
instead of eating candy bars i suggest punching faces
punch his face instead of punching your body
with candy bars

i mean the candy bars arent really gonna hurt you
you weigh like two pounds
youre fit as a fiddle
fitter...fit as a guitar

which everybody knows is much more in shape than a fiddle
i read it in 'shape'

eightyfive.

"a productive day of badminton watching no working fun"

'a quick succession of busy nothings'
except less jane austen more r.l. stine
very jewish and it scares ten year olds

whats the point of going to work
i watched a hundred hours of olympics
with a million greco romans and a thousand nadals

i need a vacation

eightyfour.

"i'll take a lunch number one hold the attitude extra mayo"

oh chikfila royalty
princess of the drive thru
get your hand off your fuckin hip
and offer me some mayonaise

what do you think you work at the post burger king
fill that dr pepper up too high one more time
so that i spill it in my lap when you hand it to me
i saw you giggle, you bitch