fiftynine.

"so you think you can dance: the college years"

the first time i saw so you think you can dance on tour
my butthole burst into a million tiny flames
like a new star in the universe
and i cried and cried and cried

and mary martin said, "i just wasnt expecting you to come out of the closet...
JUST KIDDING I KNEW YOU WERE A FAG I LOVEDDD ITTT
HOT TAMALE TRAIN WOOO WOOOO!!!!!"

and mia michaels spit on us
from the front row
with interpretive dance

fiftyeight.

"im writing other stuff other places"

i have a notebook with a cock on it
the rooster type
and i write in there
some really great secret private stuff

i would transcribe it here
cause it is really great secret private stuff
...but i'm lazy

fiftyseven.

"rachel nichols...not so hot"

arent all espn girls supposed to be hot?
i thought that was in the constitution
or the magna carta
one of those

you're decent, but when stuart scott goes trailing for the tang
he probably won't stop at your dressing room door, ms. nichols
i could be wrong
he doesn't have very high standards

dun nu nu dun nu nu
(the sports center song of course)

fiftysix.

"house hunting"

be verry vverryyyy quiettttt
i'm hunting for a houssssse
but not just any housssse
a bad ass mother fucker houssssse

the above stanza should be whispered
and possibly you should think in your brain with a lisp
and maybe a stutter
and hold a shotgun

and eat carrots
no, your housssse should eat carrots

fiftyfive.

"people who say they'll call you back but really dont do it"

they're cool
people who say they'll call you back but really dont have any intention of doing so
they're real cool

because one they are liars
which is cool
liars are fuckin rad cause they dont mean what they say

and because two theyre private parts are real little
because they have to be because thats the rule
which is also cool

ipso facto

fiftyfour.

"when i was a professional lacrosse player"

it wasnt called major league lacrosse
it was called tennis
and we played with dinosaur bones
and it was on ice

those were the days
yah im talking to you, langtry

fiftythree.

"fuck the fax machine with a silver spoon, mandy"

i called twice today to ask if you got my fax
and you told me you didn't but i know you were lying
cause i saw the fax go thru and it said it was sent
and the fax machine has never lied to me before

well there was that one time
when it was late for curfew and it said it was at a friends house studying
but it wasnt studying it was fucking
and partying and drinking and making baby faxes

i spanked the shit out of the fax machine
taught it a lesson it wont soon forget
and then i kissed it and bathed it and loved on it
and held its little fax hand until it fell fast asleep

what a world we live in...

fiftytwo.

"my house is delta force"

my house is delta force
it doesnt where nametags
its really quiet and professional
sometimes its arrogant to other houses

my house is delta force
it likes to secretly invade other houses
it likes to place puppet governments in the invaded houses
and it likes to grow beards and wear civilian clothes

my house is delta force
and yours isnt

fiftyone.

"shia lebeouf is always copying me"

even stevens was supposed to be my big break
and then i would have been indy jr
and played with megan fox and transformers
and then gotten in trouble at walgreens

is 'gotten' a word?
if it is or if it isnt im sure shia will be using it now
cause i used it
and he loves copying off of me

fifty.

"anything you can POOH i can POOH better"

shes more obsessed with AA Milne than anyone ive ever seen obsessed
with anything
eyore sheets and roo pillow cases
winnie curtains
and a life size version of that little boy which looks too much like a sex toy for me

she shaved her head and grew out bear ears
and wears only t-shirts
with no underwear
and eats honey
and then masturbates

fortynine.

"adopt me, angelina and brad"

i really dont want to do any work anymore
except sit around and look pretty
and maybe raise awareness about aids in africa or something
and i could do that if you adopted me

here are a few other reasons why you should adopt me:
1) i'm 8 feet tall which means im taller than most people who arent 8 feet tall
2) my hair is naturally blue without dying
3) i dont watch movies so i wont be star struck when you tuck me in
4) i have a disease like that movie with robin williams except backwards so im always gonna be a baby which is really cute
5) all of the above

the answer is 5.

fortyeight.

"why are you still talking?"

has anything you ever said ever been relavent
in the history of all time
like when there were dinosaurs
did it make sense to them the nonsense youre blabbing

you were talking to this caveman
and he was all shut up
and he got so bored he invented the wheel
and then he bashed the wheel against your face but you still kept talking

you were talking to this egyptian
and he was all get away from me
and he got so bored he invented the pyramid
and then he put the pyramid on top of your face but you still kept talking

you were talking to this queen of england
and she was all quiet thee mouth
and she got so bored she invented something british
and then she slapped you with that something british but you still kept talking

you were talking to me
and then i killed you

fortyseven.

"you still eatin ass?"

are you still eating ass, john?
cause you said you were and i was wondering
when will you be done to pick me up?
cause the dog needs to be let out
and id like to get to the gym

are you still eating ass, john?
people in china are starving
save the children, plant a tree
cliche cliche cliche cliche
dont make people cry today

are you still eating ass, john?
i knew what you meant but you thought i thought you meant something sexual
ive been to the gym before
i know whats on the menu
its not like im an LT or something...

fortysix.

"family"

my dad is in iraq
i dont give a FACK
because you smell
kristen bell

my mom is in iran
i dont give a PLAN
because you suck-aston
jennifer anniston

my brother is in i-roq z
i have to PEE
because you marker
sarah jessica parker

fortyfive.

"those cats across the river are about the size of small ponies"

i think i need to get my eyesight checked
everytime i drink like three bottles of wine
i see cats when there are supposed to be dogs there

maybe i just like cats more than dogs when im drinking
i doubt it cause pussy and alcohol are a wild mix
and im married to a korean so i eat dog all the time

being married to a korean is great
i get to be extra rascist against asian people
and its all absolved because i took one for the team and eat sideways vag

ching a ching chow

fortyfour.

"words of brilliance from a target starbucks line"

'i had to go to the hospital the last time i ate a slim jim'...
nothing else needs to be said here.
brilliance...

fortythree.

"a conversation with floyd"

are you going to shit sometime tonight?
cause i need to get back inside and drink about another bottle of wine
otherwise im gonna be just a little hungover
instead of major hungover for work tomorrow

seriously youve walked by that tree a hundred times
shit or get off the pot
or i guess that saying doesnt work there
so shit or shit...that's the new saying for you

if you poop in the street ill just die
ill die
ughhhguhghg ughhghghuhg
(grunting noises that i made that followed the pooping-in-the-street fiasco)

well at least you did it
im not going to clean it up
hopefully that guy next door with shit on his porch will drive over it
that'll show him for being such a porch-messer

fortytwo.

"how do you come up with a title for something like this?"

youre the sonic to my tails.
not like in the first game when tails was introduced
cause all he did was fly around
but when he became more important and they were like a team
a team of buttfucking hedgehog lovers

not that im unlike the tails that does nothing
cause you do a lot more than me sometimes
you get all the rings in the bonus levels
and you spin real crazy and it makes me ill happy
ill buttfucking hedgehog happy

but yah like that with the hedgehogs.
we're like one of the great romances of all times.
if sonic never met tails where would he be?
probably on bisexual island somewhere
pretending he still eats pussy but longing for the buttfucking hedgehog cock.

i love/want/need/have you now sonic and i would love/want/need/to have you for many more months to come.
sega.

fortyone.

"lick my pussy and my crack cocaine"

this girl i know over there is drunk all the time on that cocaine
she drinks it in the morning
she makes pancakes with it
she walks the dog with it and picks up his shit with a shitbag made of it

when i get drunk i like to drink heroin
which im told on the street is pronounced 'HERR-ON'
which to me sounds like 'ENRON'
which reminds of this one time i was blowing this fat white guy who was bankrupt

good times

forty.

"paper shredder jam block party"

i fed that shit so much paper today
it was all 'give me more paper'
and i was all 'easy, suck it, here's more paper'
and he was all 'chomp chomp chomp, thanks'

i put it in all sideways
and the paper was all comin out of the sides oh his chomp chomp chomper
and he was all 'yum yum yum yum'
and i was all 'are you asian?'

'no i'm not chomp chomp asian'
'then why are your eyes so squinty'
'cause they love chomp chomp you'
'ditto'

thirtynine.

"tori amos can suck a fat piece of plastic"

dont get me wrong
tori amos is pretty much a genius

but thats why she can go eat a fat piece of plastic for all i care
cause how am i gonna keep up with her
if, for instance, one day i cut my weiner off
and become a quirky singer/songwriter-stress
and talk about vaginas and monologues and vaginas who have monologues

i mean she has red hair
how can i keep up with red hairrrrr

thirtyeight.

"this one time i left my car at johns house like an asshole"

i dont need food to live
i can live off of the fact that my dog ate my speaker wire
and im really mad at him
and then the hunger feeling goes away
like when african babies get oatmeal from angelina jolie

sarah silverman is one hot jewish piece of poontang
if i had my car here i would go pick her up
and take her to see a french movie
about lambs who fuck each other
and then we would eat pudding because bill cosby would say we should

sarah silverman, dude, where the fuck is my car, sweet?

thirtyseven.

"i used to have speakers now i just have speaker"

barack obama came to speak at my school the other day
and someone shouted out 'terroristtt!'
really loudly so that he definitely could hear it

i dont think he was extra offended
he smirked and his wife gave him a blow job
and then we all had a big circle jerk so it was no big deal

after that scarlett johansson came by
she pretended she knew the future president
and he was like 'whateverrrr, biatch'

everyone was fairly surprised
not that he said 'biatch'
but that scarlett johansson is such a dumb slutttt

in a good way

thirtysix.

"jessica's pretty beret"

i havent seen you wear your pretty beret in awhile, jessica.
where did it go?
did you give it to 1982 boy george?
did he steal it or did he buy it, cause i heard he was quite the klepto?

if you get your beret back from boy george i hope you wear it more often.
after you get the sparkles and cum out of it i guess.
and the peanut butter.
1982 boy george loves his peanut butter.

he puts it on dicks and gives blow jays.
he calls them PEE BEE and BEE JAYS.

thirtyfive.

"i get my music (and my drugs) from a gay porn star"

how can you 'hold onto the devil [you] know', beck?
when we're holding hands / and smoking bliss.
obscure punctuation makes obscure words obscure-er.

that gay porn star is fucking scary.
he probably could beat me up.
but then a madonna song would come on and his asshole would open up and swallow the world.

i hope i dont get swallowed up by a gay porn star's asshole.
at least not until after wednesday.

thirtyfour.

"hey you, saluting me, stop your face"

hey you.
saluting me.
stop.

i mean i dont mind being saluted.
per se.
i just don't like it when you're face looks like that when you do it.

i didn't make a rule that said you have to salute me.
cause trust me if i was 87 i wouldn't want to salute a 23 year old.
so dont look at me like i wrote the constitution.

im no benjamin P. franklin.
im no martha 'loves to fold the flag and fuck the president' washington.
i'm just me.

signed,
raven 'that's so raven' simone.

thirtythree.

"if only you could here the accent i gave this guy"

my name is senator sheldon whitehouse.
i'm a democrat from rhode island.
maaaaaah.

i stand for that.
i don't for that over there.
maaaaaah.

cspan is my favorite television channel.
except the spice channel and the playgirl channel.
maaaaaah.

my humps my humps.
my lovely lady lumpsssss.
maaaaaah.

thirtytwo.

"miley cyrus just gave me cerebral palsy"

when i stare at the tv too long my eyes go wobbly.
but when i stare at the tv too long when miley cyrus is on it,
i get cerebral palsy.

not that i'm complaining.
i always wanted to be a minority.
now people call me 'hannah 'ain't got much on my brain-a' montana'.

fuck haters.
i'm a silver dollar.
holler.

thirtyone.

"i just have nine words and then hopefully we can all move on with our lives"

i'm sorry i put my weiner in your ass.

thirty.

"a lesson in quotations"

when you're doing something and you're actually doing it
it doesn't make sense to put quotations around it
cause you're not being ironic
you're just being dumb.

and the same goes for around your name.
like why would you put quotes around just someone's name.
it doesn't make any sense.
revise it. and get it back to me by monday.

twentynine.

"in an effort to stifle the rumours"

yes. it's true.
sports illustrated did ask me to do their swimsuit issue.
unfortunately i had to turn them down.
but floyd is going to do it instead.

they have a nice little dolce and gabbana two piece for him to wear.
it's in their S&M for dogs collection.
he looks like a million buckaroos.
like that gay porn from the 80s of the same name (google it).

gosh im horny. jk jk jk jk lol lol lol lol.

twentyeight.

"irish dancing with coco rocha"

eff the media, baby.
irish dance if you want to.
irish dance all over that runway in your slick little red gaultier number.
you look like little red gaultier riding hood.

fierce.
fiercer than anything tyra banks has ever done or said.
and yes...this is two entries about tyra banks in a row.
but who cares.
tyra banks for president. 2060.

(america still won't be ready for a woman president).

twentyseven.

"yves saint-laurent, 1962"

my mom was a YSL model in 1962.
she wore a white wedding dress with large elbow pads.
and a jackie o-esque bouffant.
it was all too fierce to imagine.
tyra banks was there.

on second thought tyra banks wishes she was there.
i saw this drag queen in brooklyn one time who looked like tyra banks.
only this drag queen, bridgette, she could walk a billion million times better than TB.
a billion million billion.

je t'aime yves saint-laurent.
and if i knew how to say 'i miss you' in french i would say the same about old YSL.
but i can't.
so i won't.

twentysix.

"sometimes you just gotta start writing and the words will come"

stop chewing on that fucking chair.
its from the 80s and you're making it look all beat up like its from the 90s.
stuff from the 80s is plastic and perfect.
stuff from the 90s is grungy and stinky.

rainbow brite was in the 80s.
vanilla ice was in the 90s.

i rest my case.

twentyfive.

"peppermint essential oil refreshes and combats mental fatigue"

this wine is delicious.
it tastes like little kim's armpit sweat.
after a hard show.
after a hard show in brooklyn.

i drink this wine to bushwick.
bushwick...the future williamsburg.
williamsburg...the future manhattan.
manhattan...isn't that where carrie bradshaw lives?

would SJP cross the bridge to see little kim sweat riesling?
i hope so.

twentyfour.

"ryan adams and this riesling make me super cereal"

i thought i was in a super emo serious mood
until my dog started humping my bedsheets
what i once thought was a little red rocket
is not so little and my sheets arent so virginal

thanks for the cheer up my little red rocket dog
or my dog's little red rocket
im not sure which is grammatically correct
what do you think, leonard nemoy?

i wish leonard nemoy wrote more books than he did
but i know he was busy on that space ship
listening to vampire weekend
and smoking that heeb

ive known a lot of trekkies to smoke dope
but once i met one who smoked that methamphetamine
and he listened to hard house beats
and he thought 'to be young is to be sad, is to be high'

fuck you, ryan adams. you always make me sadly happy.

twentythree.

"the songs i'm listening to make a poem"

damn, sam. i love a woman that rains.
american boy (feat. kanye west), 'il secundo giorno'.

interlude.

sensual seduction, slob.
i guess i planted.
'tristes apprets, pales flambeaux'.

oh timbaland...

twentytwo.

"that girl's a banjosexual"

did you hear about that girl, stephanie?
she's a banjosexual.

what is that?

it's someone who has sex with banjos?

hot.

yah, banjo's are the sexiest instruments.
i wish i could pull a banjo.

yah me too.
i can only pull down oboes and clarinets.
banjos are super fine.

once i pulled a trumpet.
trumpet's dont know what they're doing in the bedroom.
you blow them for a while and then they're spent.
they don't even reciprocate.

twetnyone.

"today's poem is about justice"

not the band.
the virtue.
fuck that, make it about the band.

i love justice.
i love how they beat kanye west at the awards show and how he cried.
i love how they make my booty shake.
i love how they make my booty not shake.
i love how much this poem reminds me of both the movie "ten things i hate about you" and that miley cyrus song.

truth.

twenty.

"shut up rachel ray"

shut up rachel ray.
youre not even hot.
well sort of.
youre kind of hot.
i'd watch you eat dunk'n donuts.
naked.

give meeeee a show oprah winfrey.
i'll put on a fake new york accent and make blah italian dishes for thirty-something housewives.
i'll endorse random things and wear scarves that make me look like a terrorist.
i'll wax your beaver for you.
sorry...i meant your va-jay-jay.

shut up rachel ray.
so i can get a job on network television.
opposite ellen degeneres' time slot.
and people will pick me over her.
and they'll say that i am the funniest lesbian alive.

nineteen.

"a quick story about nothing for your face"

this one time
i was on the beach
and there was a falcon
who was on the beach also
and she was all heyyyy
and i was all what upppp

i really don't like falcons
otherwise i might have been more cordial

eighteen.

"tony and the hot tones announce side project"

my band tony and the hot tones want to make an announcement.
we rock.
additionally we are starting a side project.
it is called stony and the hot stones.
they rock too.

"stony and hot stones rocks glastonbury 2009."
the headlines will read.
the intellectuals will appreciate the irony of it.
"how can a stone rock?"
they'll ask...intellectually.

and we'll scream and we'll holler and we'll raise roofs (or rooves).
and amy winehouse will be there.
and she'll be like "yah i smoke crack with these guys...they're rad."
and we'll be like "eh. we do not smoke crack. we crack smoke. zammmm."

that'll be the day.

seventeen.

"the drug dealershippppp"

my drug dealer has a space ship.
it's white and red and sometimes orange.
he drives it really fast.
or sometimes slow.
or sometimes not at all.

if i had a drug dealershippppp i would ride in it all the time.
i wouldn't drive it, though.
i would hire a driver.
so i don't get pulled over by space cops for space shipping under the influence.

stay in school, kids.