onehundredandthirtyone.

"tabitha from 'tabitha's salon takeover' is taking over"

she came by yesterday

to say what up and stuff

and i thought it was just a friendly business

but then she tossled that dikey blonde doo of hers

and got down to business

'get to work' she yelled australian-ly

'it needs pops of colour'

'it needs more freedom and pashion and maybe pornography'

'porno makes hair salons happen'

'especially lesbian porno'

we fixed it so it would be nice for her

she loves porno

and now so do we

unfortunately we went out of business

we'll be serving her papers soon

onehundredandthirty.

"i added you on facebook and you didnt accept my friend request"

of course thats not true
as previously mentioned i am the one who rejects people on social websites
because i am cool with it
i think i have mentioned that before as well

like for example
the men's and women's 4x100 relay team in track & field tried to add me
and i said 'no'
'i dont add people that drop batons'

i put a couple of exclamation points after that exclamation
just to emphasize the importance of a proper baton handoff
and then i included a link
of a fisting video (not safe for work)

onehundredandtwentynine.

"tequila and lemonade"

and not the tila kind
i used to be friends with her on myspace
before the tv show
and then i deleted my myspace account

so technically i was friends with her before she was famous
and i was de-friends with her before she was famous
i de-best friended her
cause i was probably in her top 8

i never checked to verify that
but im sure i was
i had a picture of a cock and a pussy
and i heard a rumour that she likes both

onehundredandtwentyeight.

"my heart is racing and my t-shirt is ironic"

my roommate just scared the shit out of me
by just sitting there
without me knowing about it
i mean shouldnt he have called or sent a messenger pidgeon

no but it still was scary
and my t-shirt is ironic not in the way dealing with the roommate
but just in the way of life
because it has a guy with a nosebleed on it

and it says 'cocaine blows'
irony at its best
or worst.
im not really sure what the word 'irony' means

i just heard it in an alanis morissette song

onehundredandtwentyseven.

"kathy griffin was at my house last night naked in bed"

we ordered chinese food
in honor of the olympics almost being over
and added 'in bed naked' to the end of all our fortunes

she started crying
and i reminded her that no one likes to see a clown cry
and she said 'thanks tiffany i appreciate it'

i said 'youre welcome'
even though my name isnt tiffany
who corrects a clown?

onehundredandtwentysix.

"you can't wear flip-flops to the gym"

unless your john kerry
and then you can flip-flop wherever you want to
except into the white house
no flip-flopping in the white house, mr kerry

save the flip-flops for your bedroom
with your ketchup wife
wouldnt it be cool if kerry was mccain's VP
then his ketchup wife could hang out with mccain's beer wife

ketchup and beer
making mongolian children smile since 1943
wasn't that during the second world war
yes it was. you are very good at history, dan quayle

onehundredandtwentyfive.

"so tired of the olympics"

im sorry how unamerican that is
arrest me, mr mccarthy
put me on trial with lucille ball
i dont care
the olympics have gone too far

i cannot watch one more game of beach volleyball
send me back to cuba
with desi and little ricky
deport me as far away from here as possible
so i dont have to hear bob costas make mary carillo fake laugh one more time

i get it
theres a fried scorpion on a stick
its not funny in english or mandarin
its as not funny as underage chinese girls
if youre 14 and you can flip like that you should be allowed to win medals

it has been said
so shall it be

onehundredandtwentyfour.

"everyone is everywhere:
a quide to new york nightlife in the twenty-hundreds"

rule one.
if amanda lepore gives you a drink do NOT drink it.
youll end up falling down a hole and in wonderland (a new bar in the w. village)

rule two.
dont try and buy special k off the street.
itll end up being mashed up aspirin and youll have lost 60 bucks cause the guy ran away.

rule three.
dont snort mashed up aspirin.
heroin, despite the rumours, is not so passe. try that instead.

rule four.
always meet the dj especially if they're canadian.
or australian. foreign djs make the best companions as they are foreign and djs.

rule five.
i dont know what im talking about.
ive never even been to new york.

onehundredandtwentythree.

"because dirty house should be dirtier and less trite"

this is what my house track sounded like:
"blah blah blah/
im boring and trite and unoriginal/
a drag queen could have written this song"

this is what it should have sounded like:
"i fuck i suck i kick i punch/
im gonna kill you and fuck you and stab you with love/
in my dancehole/
lubricate my dancehole/
lick my dancehole/
suck my dancehole/
do everything but dance in my dancehole/
you pussy faggots"

any questions?

onehundredandtwentytwo.

"onehundredandtwentyone was an attempt at dirty house vocals"

just explaining what i was going for
cause i think you might be a little confused
not like you deserved an explanation
i mean youre nice and all but i do what i want

but anyway moving on
a word of advice for the rest of the day
CONJUNCTION
its a word that i heard today and ive never heard it before

CONJUNTION
it means fuck you i think
but im not sure
look it up

onehundredandtwentyone.

"i like it too much to say i love it"

i hate it too much to say i need it
i crave it too much to say i bleed it
i want it too much to not heed it

love it hate it really really need it
i cant stand to miss you and mean it

love it hate it hurt hurt bleed it
i cant stand to lose you and see it

i waste it too much to say id use it
i yearn it too much to say i wont abuse it
i heart it too much to lose it

onehundredandtwenty.

"the plural of toilet is toilet"

dear resident,
please move your gas grill
as it is against fire codes
on your back porch
thanks,
the front office

dear front office,
i dont care
i will keep it there
and poop on it
and you will like it
thanks,
the resident

dear resident,
we will like your poop
as we always have
please accept our apologies
your dick is enormous
love,
the front office

dear front office,
duh
love you back,
the resident

onehundredandnineteen.

"i had the greatest idea to put pictures of toilet in my toilet today"

as stated i had a great idea
unfortunately i got distracted
and ended up putting pictures of chrysler buildings in my bathroom

i know theres only one official chrysler building
but i took pictures of all the unofficial ones
as they are more abstract and more building and chrysler like

one of them is shaped like a toilet if that counts
it was made by count von chrysler
in nineteen hundred and ninety two

after he built it he sailed the ocean blue
and discovered french guiana
how interesting

onehundredandeighteen.

"the lady from 'beethoven' is going to show up and be really mad"

you chewed up all my DKNY sneakers
and i dont own any DKNY sneakers
so you mustve chewed up someone elses DKNY sneakers
and brought someone elses DKNY sneakers back to my apartment

i hope DONNA KARAN reads this and decides to sponsor me
im running in the olympics
or NEW YORK
NEW YORK can sponsor me too

look for me at the detroit 2011 games
go for the GOLD!
or silver or bronze

onehundredandseventeen.

"the ephedra i was prescribed has not kicked in"

call the doctor
im experiencing hypo-glycemia
or hypo-dance-emia
i cant stop dancing
or 'glyceming'
huh?

dont ask dont tell
that sentence up there doesnt make sense
well things cant make since if youre not medicated
safely of course
by educated smart people
or drug dealers

boy george is my drug dealer
deal with it
thats his catch phrase
'deal with it'
its like howie mandel
except theres no such thing as 'no deal with it'

fuck the banker

onehundredandsixteen.

"just another day on craigslist"

i hope that some of these missed connections get answered
cause how sad would it be if someone just posted something
like 'i saw you next to me at the harris teeter'
and they honestly thought there was a connection and the other person just never knew
or never logged onto craigslist

its half pathetic half the coolest thing in the world
craigslist
i want a coffee table/i want a blow job
both can happen
both can happen AND have no strings AND be awesome

'no strings anonymous coffee table buyer seeks hot white girl
OR boy to service my coffee table buying needs
AND my cock
420 is cool
LOVE craig'

onehundredandfifteen.

"i ate half a bag of popcorn and i feel like dancing"

half of the above statement is true
actually, scratch that
the whole thing is true
nothing like CSS and popcorn makes me want to dance

except for amanda lepore and girls named 'john'
hey 'john' what are you doing?
still working on your dance moves, huh?
well too bad, cause i just ate a half a bag of popcorn and i really wanna dance

with you
ooo-ooo-ooo
(that's supposed to be like moaning)
(it's not my telephone number)

onehundredandfourteen.

"kavinsky you sound like you should be making classical music but youre making sex-ical music"

1986 called and they asked for my brother
cause he was born that year and i wasnt
and they said 'hey this is kavinsky'
and i said 'im sorry he cant come to the phone right now'

they said 'well fuck you from 1985 we dont talk to no oldies'
i said 'im an oldie but a goodie'
and they said 'not goodie enough!'
and the dial tone rang out in my ear

'bing bing bing' sang the dial tone
'damn you, 1986' i screamed to no one and the dial tone at the same time
'i'll never answer your calls again'
but i will, cause i love me the young ones

onehundredandthirteen.

"this one is for santogold and for some other people"

the other people are tokyo police club
and its for them because their sounds are so ethno-traditional
its very irish meets scotish
very east village meets west village

or thats what she said
someone who writes for some trendy magazine
some trendy music magazine that looks hotter than it reads
'i'd rather look at your cover than scan your inside' i yelled

and she didnt say anything back
that certain journalist someone
who likes le tigre but doesnt like the ting tings
only cause she bends towards the french side of things

which of course means she's gay
and communist
friggin french communist pink-o gays
love you, hate you, love you

onehundredandtwelve.

"broadway and myrtle, bushwick NY"

get me on the J and take me all the way back to fuckin broadway and myrtle
no i dont want your motha fuckin L train you little williamsburg pussies
i live in bushwick
and i la-la-la-love it

i love the stink the pink
the puerto rican minks
the bars the stars the pimped out cars
the channing-tatum-in-'a-guide-to-recognizing-your-saints'-looking-hotties

'that movie took place in queens'
my friend dimitri said
'fuck you dog' i said back
and i said 'dog' spelled 'dog' not like 'dawg' cause im cool with it

onehundredandeleven.

"vin diesel stars in 'zzz' in theatres everywhere next september"

the theme song for 'requiem for a dream' is everywhere now
which makes no sense when someone uses a score from one movie
for a bunch of other movies
and tv shows and whatnot

aren't there a bunch of poor homeless score writers out there
who just want to write music for vin diesel movies
but can't cause you use the music from some hot indie movie that came out like ten years ago
they're just starving and eating dog food because of you

in summation, save the score writers of the world
let them write you slightly repetitive semi-classical music
let it play at the exciting moments or at least during the theatrical trailer
score writers are the future OR it takes a village to raise a score writer

onehundredandten.

"if you didnt work so late we could go to the gym earlier"

i know your job is important and stuff
probably more important than mine
at which i rock at
like suede from 'project runway season 5'

but i think you should come home early sometime
i miss you (one reason)
and i wish we could get started on stuff we have to do earlier (thats the second reason)
like go to the gym

i appreciate the time i get to spend with the dog
especially at 5 when we watch 'gilmore girls' together
he learned how to cuddle with me
mainly because he loves rory and lorelei and their trials and tribulations

but i wish i could see you while i was seeing the dog and the girls of gilmore
ill just take a picture of you
so i can look at it
thats a good idea or the greatest idea i ever heard of

onehundredandnine.

"the dog that wouldn't stop barking"

is dead now
he just wouldn't stop barking
and it got real annoying
and now he is dead
now

the repetive now is a prominent fixture in american literature
esp. in american blog literature
and i mean this blog specifically if you were wondering
so dont go reading other blogs and telling them i told you they use 'now' too much
like i know you would had i not asked you not too

now
as i was saying
the dog kept barking even when people were throwing him stuff
and now he is dead
now

onehundredandeight.

"kim kardashian just shat on me"

well thats not entirely true
but the person whom i live with just came home
and that's as stinky as a kim kardashian poop
which is big and smelly and from long island

it pretends it's from los angeles
of course
but just like i know youre not a cab driver, robert deniro
youre definitely not from L.A., my big bottomed best friend

i like your fat tranny sister though
and your mom is hot
t.t.y.l

onehundredandseven.

"ive seen this episode of 'scrubs' a million times"

but ill watch it again
the girl from 'roseanne' is almost as great as ellen page
which is pretty great if youve read anything ive written in the past
especially in the past let's say couple of entries
(see: the one before this one)

zach braff is also funny
and he wrote the movie with natalie portman
that i also wish i wouldve written
to hang out with nat (whom im still waiting on answer to that proposal)
(see: several entries ago)

now the question i have now even while watching this show
should i have used 'whom' before or 'who'
or maybe 'that' or 'which'
who knows
or is it 'whom' knows
(see: i dont know)

onehundredandsix.

"i wish i wrote 'juno'"

firstly because i would love to have worn an animal print sleeveless number to the oscars
with a hot tattoo on the upper arm area
and hot like a jordin sparks song hot
with maybe some jimmy choos or a nice open toe prada

but secondly and most importantly
because i want to have hung out with in the past ellen page
cause i think we would have gotten along
and would still get along

and she would text me on the hard days
and the in between days
just to say 'hey' or 'whats up buddy?' and i would say 'hey' back
with maybe an emoticon for G.P.

that would be great
ellen, if youre reading this, and i know you are
can you just give me a shout on the cellular
appreciate it...the number is 555-555-5555 (its real)

onehundredandfive.

"je veux un enfant de toi"

thats some serious french

from which i learned on an internet website

that was on my laptop during work today

thats right i got paid to eat french in my brain

the computer just told me 'it's 10 oclock'

but not in french

so i ignored it

because i am french and that is what french people do

i am better than you (said in a french accent)

onehundredandfour.

"wouldnt it be cool if we all lived in beijing and all won golden medals"

or silver

dara torres won a silver medal

and she's hot and old so i dont think it's so bad

to just win a silver medal

i dont really want to live in beijing though

isnt that where aids comes from

no, that's SARS

isn't that the same thing?

no.

onehundredandthree.

"i took an ambien but it has yet to kick in"

thank you for producing 'the hills' adam divello

it has brought the soleil to my life in a way that i cannot explain

more so than 'punky brewster' did

and soleil moon frye who played the title role so endearingly

adam adam adam divello

i want to write a greek ode to you

or about you

whichever is the appropriate way to do that

i havent read 'antigone' in a long time

but i would read it again in order to know how to write a greek ode to you, adam

you will be the oedipus to my rex

and i will be the rex to your oedi-pussy

think about

its sexual

onehundredandtwo.

"noone's gonna read this"

there is supposed to be a space between 'no' and 'one'

but sometimes spaces are not as cool as not-spaces

just ask buzz aldrin

or that other guy from the moon

they would both agree that space space is the kind of space there needs

with the repeated 'space'

cause one walk on the moon is one step for something or rather

or however that saying goes

im not very good at history

even though i invited half of it

in a book that i wrote many years ago

did you read it?  cause you should

onehundredandone.

"and i dont mean dalmations"

im not as nervous anymore

mainly because im watching 'the hills'

and my life is hardly as dramatic as these people's lives

on the for real tip though

it must be tres hard living in a hot pad

and having hot friends 

and designing on things that arent that hot

but that you price up to pretend youre hot

no wonder kitson dropped your brand

you wont even wear your own shit to the premiere party

rock that robert cavalli 

but dont be surprised when he doesnt rock that lauren conrad

just being honest

real real honest

p.s. invite me to L.A.

i want to hang out with audrina and whitney (i love you whit whit)

onehundred.

"nervous but not so nervous as last time but still nervous"

there's really no reason to be nervous
cause a million people have done it before me
like since last century sometime
but it still is crazy and a pretty important decision

and i have had bubble guts all day
and will tomorrow too
but youre still not here to hold me
and polar bears are struggling to survive on tv

i really think polar bears have it easy
they never have to jump out of aeroplanes

ninetynine.

"party like its 19...ninetynine?"

id rather party like its 1945
at the end of the war
with parades in the street
and sailors kissing women for publicity and cause they like it

or what about 1980
women first graduated from the u.s. military academy
i think there was an olympics somewhere
and there was probably some sort of war but not like the one now

or how about the year 19-sixtynine
one i think that was when woodstock was although i may be way off
and there was that song about the summer of 69 (thats the number two reason)
and its a fuckin rad number...because of the sexual inuendo if you didnt know what i was talking about

ninetyeight.

"happy birthday young man here's a meat bone"

six months old
six months bold
six months youre still chewing on the bathroom cabinets

six months cool
six months tool
six months why do you still bark inside like a girl

six months rad
six months mad
six months i like when you run around the house by yourself in circles

happy birthday young man

ninetyseven.

"can we just go downstairs already, MJ?"

can we just go downstairs already, mj?

we've been waiting at the top of the stairs for about 47 minutes

and my belly is about to explode from the spicy trio at the sushi restaurant

and all you wanna do is stand and shiver

when i could just as easily utilize the commode at the bottom of these steps

honestly

be brave

walk downstairs

i dont care if youre a chihuahua

yo quiero to go down the stair-o's.  and taco bell-o.

ninetysix.

"i'll take 'confusing parker posey movies for 500', alec"

'broken english' is a movie starring parkey posey

and some other people who are as famous

like the lady from 'the notebook'

and the young guy from that one movie

but it was really weird

in a way that i liked but i was also very confused

and someone was snoring in it

and i didnt even see it in a movie theatre so that was weird

i meant to see it in the village 

next to my gym which was conveniently located across the street from the BEST...

margarita place in town

the dots were for suspense, the margs were for my belly

recommendation: if you see parker posey in soho

while you are driving your 1994 toyota 4runner (a red one)

yell at her and say things like

'you are great! you are confusing but you are great!'

ninetyfive.

"first day of yoga jitters"

unfortunately they were in my pants

the jitters

and they came out rather quickly

well not so quickly

after about 14 downward-dogs-to-cobbler transitions

that's when the jitters showed up

one was pretty solid 

but the rest was pretty hershey squirt-esque

it wouldnt have been so bad

had that not just put down carpet in the yoga room

600 thread egyptian carpet

hand sewn by iran-iraq war amputees

quelle tragique

ninetyfour.

"its raining outside because god hates the infantry"

im sorry you are outside doing soldier business

in the rain

while me and john are inside drinking sangrias

and watching '27 dresses'

katherine heigl is a really attractive girl

and i appreciate that she doesnt mind that her teeth look like she chewed on rocks 

as a child

because sometimes children do that

come inside from the rain, soldier boy

youve de-exploded enough ordnance for one day

come make chocolate covered strawberries (of the white chocolate variety)

and watch grey gardens and put face masks on

come

ninetythree.

"natalie portman this is an invitation and a proclamation (sp?)"

sorry, nat, im way too lazy right now to look up how to spell 'proclamation'
and i know that doesnt make me seem extremely attractive to you
at least not as attractive as say gael garcia bernal
who dated you and could probably spell 'proclamation' in a billion languages

but here goes nothing...
i proclaim, and invite you to proclaim also, that i love you
your face is squishy in that good way that its small
and when you cried in garden state i thought it was cute and sad and i almost cried

no pressure on the reverse proclamation
or however you spell it
but ill be waiting by the phone later tonight
and probably tomorrow into the early evening

ninetytwo.

"when people named mark dont mention you in their blog"

its no big deal really
just because someone mentions someone in their blog
doesnt mean that the other someone
a specific canadian someone
has to mention the first someone in their respective blog

even if the first someone introduced the second someone
to alexander despatie
the paris hilton of canada
and the second someone was now dating the now third someone
that doesnt mean anything

in the end its okay
and just to clarify
yes, canada doesnt have a real paris hilton
and they have replaced her with the male olympic diver version
no big deal

ninetyone.

"stop looking at me with that crazy i killed a lemon face"

you smell really good
but your face is distorted in such a manner
that it looks like youre crying and laughing
like the girl from the michael phelps commercial

your foot is also turned in making you look awkward
which i understand the benefits of awkward-icity
but come on
get it together man

spray paint something or get off the fucking bus
a spike lee joint

ninety.

"australian gate guards and other misc events over the last week and a half"

i knew her before the last week and a half
almost four months now
maybe five
and i always thought she was german from the way her hair was gray and the way her face was crusty
but then i heard her say 'barb'

which is in many ways a similar word to the popular 'barbie'
as in 'throw another shrimp on the barbie'
which i never thought was polite
wouldnt ken get mad if his girlfriend (gf) was covered in shrimp all the time?
do they call that a pearl necklace or am i mistaken?

anyway so she said 'barb'
my mother's name
and i realized she was an ian-thorpe-loving-muriels-wedding-attending AUSSIE
and i couldnt have been more excited (or excepted which is what i originally typed)
i mean remember when that aborigine girl won the 400 in sydney

her name was kathy freeman
i looked it up
and how to spell 'aborigine'
fuck edukation

eightynine.

"i could be more quiet but then how fun would i be"

would you want me around then?
like i dont really like my dog barking all the time
but if he stopped barking entirely
it would be quite drab quite as the french say 'blah blah blah'

and how can you be quiet at a time like this anyway
i just discovered an entirely new medium of art
i would equate this to the day picasso found the color blue
or maybe van gogh i never took art history

tres interesant...blah blah blah

eightyeight.

"realizing typos and favorite numbers"

sometimes after i write something
i realize there are typos
but typos are like art

like what if jackson pollock dripped paint
but he thought he dripped too much paint
but to some people it would be just the right amount of paint

thats art

adding that my favorite number is 88
because of four things
but i will only tell you one

eric lindros

eightyseven.

"just cause the american bald eagle is my favorite bird doesn't mean youre all that"

i get it you shaved your head
now you think youre hot or something
well you are but it still doesnt excuse your attitude
unless you have cancer

if you have cancer
i 100 percent retract all of the above statements
but i doubt you have cancer cause youre really tall
and you drive too fast too have cancer

if you are a nazi now i dont retract the statements
but i wish you the best in your new endeavor
except by the best i mean the worst
cause nazis are not cool in the way that it is not cool to be not cool

like if someone said 'bad' and they actually meant 'bad'
not the 90s way or the michael jackson way
it aint so hip to be cool
or bald

eightysix.

"i ate three candy bars i am so mad at him"

that's not very healthy, john
instead of eating candy bars i suggest punching faces
punch his face instead of punching your body
with candy bars

i mean the candy bars arent really gonna hurt you
you weigh like two pounds
youre fit as a fiddle
fitter...fit as a guitar

which everybody knows is much more in shape than a fiddle
i read it in 'shape'

eightyfive.

"a productive day of badminton watching no working fun"

'a quick succession of busy nothings'
except less jane austen more r.l. stine
very jewish and it scares ten year olds

whats the point of going to work
i watched a hundred hours of olympics
with a million greco romans and a thousand nadals

i need a vacation

eightyfour.

"i'll take a lunch number one hold the attitude extra mayo"

oh chikfila royalty
princess of the drive thru
get your hand off your fuckin hip
and offer me some mayonaise

what do you think you work at the post burger king
fill that dr pepper up too high one more time
so that i spill it in my lap when you hand it to me
i saw you giggle, you bitch

eightythree.

"luckiest girl in the world"

is it fair that she has such a good life
with her pretty blond hair
and her pretty brown dog
and her pretty red car

and her pretty beau
her pretty nice fantastic super awesome best ever beau
who loves her and cares for her and misses her and watches the olympics with her

she is one lucky bitch
i might kill her and take her spot

signed -- monique (the jealous cunt)

eightytwo.

"if the preceding entries didnt make sense it was because i am not proofreading them which is what normally happens except this time my brain is split between what just happened and whats happening in the bedroom and what will happen after i slaughter floyd with my mind in chess"

the title says it all.
like a fall out boy song but cooler.

eightyone.

"yesterday was stress today not so much stress"

do this do that
at the drop of a hat
rhyme rhyme rhyme
cant think of nothing cool that rhymes with rhyme

i ran a million errands yesterday
and got nothing done
locked myself out of the house
listened to tokyo police club
cheered it on
walked the dog when i broke into the house
went to tripps
drank 17 margaritas
met a girl named margarhita
laughed at the irony
sang 'the hills are alive with the sound of margarhitaaaa'
cried
spit
threw up
went to bed

'when youre standing there its tokyo police club!'

eighty.

"blue towel string all over my apartment"

just when i thought there couldnt be more blue
more blue was there
all over the apt
just scattered in little doggie pieces
and in my little doggie's mouth

you bitch
stop pawing at my toes
tear up that blue towel
get it
and then go hump the transformer blanket

all the cool dogs are doing it

seventynine.

"i live in canada i am a dj respect me"

theres a bunch of cool songs out there
with pretty hot vocals
that people are just reading
and i could do that
and i would do that
and i would make it raw
and hot
and sex

so pick me for your ad campaign
dolce and gabana
ill dj the fuck out of that gold watch
and win the gold medal
swimming against michael phelps
and the entire chinese women's gymnastics team

yall aint sixteen

seventyeight.

"i got my driving priviliges back so now i can chase the paps"

and they can chase me too
if they're interested
i know im not 100 percent famous yet
but its a good idea to get started now so that way when i am they'll be set

you can find me at the following locales:
at my apt
at my office
at john's house
at the gym

that last one has been very sporadic lately
but eagle's there and he'll keep you preoccupied
the bastard

seventyseven.

"womens field hockey gets me soooo hard"

just kidding.

seventysix.

"good morning, mr bennigans"

i heard you was having an affair 

with ms ruby tuesday down the street

yall made up some bleu cheese chips

and some mozarella sticks

in the sex oven

i guess i dont know how to spell 'mozarella'

if giatta from 'everyday italian' was here 

she would be really mad at me

and then she would pronounce english words italian-er

italenglish

seventyfive.

"why do you keep eating your butt"

i wanted to give you a bath
but watching you eat your butt has made me laugh all day
the duck is getting jealous

sorry i was interrupted by mary dancing
she was loud and screaming
and then she was dancing

this is the last episode of so you think you CANT dance i will ever watch
until im on it

seventyfour.

"lets time each other under water"

and talk about fire island
cause thats what straight people do
im allergic to straight people
me too, and people who talk a lot at the pool

could you stare more please
and pose more
and complain more about lieutenants and first sergeants
cause there needs to be more of that when im trying to relax

you were fierce, though
with your thick thick thighs
and your loud loud voice
i hope you dont get diabetes any time soon

seventythree.

"olympique le freak cest chic"

michael phelps you are such a freak
i love you but i love you in a french accent
like the lady from the opening ceremonies
or the president who was tres chic with his jacket on

our president took his jacket off
so did the first lady
she was ill naked
and i saw her third nipple on her shoulder pad

how can you be green or orange today, dell commercial
sleep, john, sleep
but then wake up and talk to me about french people
and michael phelps and the cameo

seventytwo.

"let's get brown to business"

butt sex
its a dirty job
but someones gotta do it

seventyone.

"let me explain"

let me first explain the attempt that i just made to write something using no vowels
it was hard
and so if it doesnt make sense fuck you and fuck the attempt
i can explain on another time at another place in another state of mind

second let me explain my unusual bowel movement this morning
it was green like a summer grass
and i realised it was from all the bright green christmas tree cookies i had been eating
a hundred million bright green christmas tree cookies

dancing in my toilet

seventy.

"smbdy stl th vwls"

ystrdy whn cm hm ll th vwls n th hs wr gn
wht th fck sd m
ths scks
ths s hrdr thn thght

fck ths stpd d

sixtynine.

"circle rug at my backdoor"

ignoring the fact that this is number 69
and 69 is a funny sexy hot number
i will tell you about my circle rug
which is lying at my backdoor

floyd hates my circle rug
because i think it looks a little like him
so hes probably intimidated
and thats why he pees on it almost everyday

he hates circle rugs and window blinds
but me too so i dont hold it against him

(i meant to ask in the last one if suede thought he was yves saint laurent or something
but it completely fell out of my brain
so im mentioning it now)

sixtyeight.

"last night i had sex but after that i watched project runway"

no one likes suede
you talk about yourself in third person
its weird
youre just trying to be like that guy from season 4
except youve been exposed

dont get a big head just cause natalie portman liked your dress
she didnt like you
she liked the dress
if she knew you she would despise you
like all of us

kenley
great job
youre awesome
thanks for playing
you won

but i wanna keep that goth chick around for a while too cause she says funny things

sixtyseven.

"so far today i did a load of laundry"

this is the first day i slept in in like a billion days
even though sometimes at work i might as well be sleeping
because it is lame
and people go to afghanistan for 5 months and then complain

could it really be that bad
i know its war and shit
and war is hell and shit
but fuck off and get over yourself and then everything will be okkkkk

just bitchin
the dog says what up

sixtysix.

"when john's away the homos will play"

barnes and noble project runway japanese food boners

hot tranny mess

fierce licious bananas 

mj floyd bella

that guy who looks like a gazelle

the big one at target with that ugly girl, dubya tee fuck

can i get a coffee coolata

inside joke inside joke inside joke

sixtyfive.

"time for me to deploy to a foreign nation"

ive been in america a long time
nearly eight hundred and forty years
id like to deploy already

ill invade a country by myself if you want
completely independently from everyone and everything
like one of those nonsense countries

haiti or something
no we already did that one
bermuda

ill attack bermuda

sixtyfour.

"ikea is for me ikea is for free"

that shit is expensive
expensive in the cheap made out of good stuff looks cool way
i want to buy overheads and blinds and bedding
and bed frames and dining room tables and bowl sinks

i want to buy a collar for my dog
and maybe a new fur coat for him
and some golashes
and learn how to spell 'golashes' so the next time it rains i wont be go-lost

that shit is expensive

sixtythree.

"thats the last time i request lawnmowers from a guy who likes frogs so much"

no wonder you wouldnt give me any lawnmowers
you're afraid of what i'll do to all the frogs
well you should be afraid
cause i dont like frogs

i dont like smiling frogs
i dont like nonsmiling frogs
i dont like standing sitting squatting frogs
and i especially dont like frogs that play the banjo and smile dont smile stand sit squat

next time you ask me a favor
ill ask you to remember the time i asked you a favor
and to remember the frogs
you fuckin frog french toast frog

sixtytwo.

"i suggest there be more motivation"

first sergeant we should have more motivation
when we are running
because there is too little
and we have more in cadet land

i can't wait til BAR
it is going to be awesome
how long is it

sixtyone.

"you can't just make up who you're working with and put it on a piece of paper with my name on it"

if my name is on a sheet of paper that sheet of paper better be accurate
the corners better be precise
and there better not be tooooo many smudges
one is acceptable, 98 is notttt acceptable

98 degrees
boy band
n stink
backfart boys
etc.

sixty.

"are you humping it because its soft or are you humping it because it has a transformer on it"

that blanket used to be comfortable
and now its all crunchy and ripped
it told me the other day that it feels used
the transformers cried on my shoulder

i will buy you a new blanket
unless you really like the smell of your own stink
otherwise im gonna chop your balls off soon
and then, ive been told, you wont be humping much

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