sixteen.

"dear whale on the front of my tuna carton"

you are a whale advertising tuna?
isnt that like genocide?
who are you...that guy from bosnia?

i can't think of his name but i'll look him up on wikipedia in a minute.

why would a whale sell fish to humans?
shouldn't a human be selling human food?
or at least a cow? cause cows are pretty generic.

if a cow was selling me tuna i would buy it in bulk. cause i trust generic cows.

how does that little red hat stay on you head, whale?
don't you live in the ocean?
or did you move to miami after that big tuna endorsement check came through?

fifteen.

"lime green army man"

if i was one of those dark green plastic army men
i would be the one laying down in the prone
only i would be lime colored so as to throw off the enemy

i figure by the time the technology is advanced enough to make me into a tiny plastic man
the environment will be pretty lime colored in general
and i'll want to blend in with that

fourteen.

"can i borrow a dollar from your face?"

i promise i'll pay you back.
i have a job so i'm good for the money.
i just don't have a dollar.
and i need one to buy a sunkist cause i'm really tired.

if you give me the money i promise i won't buy drugs.
unless you consider orange-y sodas drugs.
cause some people do.
orange-y soda is illegal in minneapolis.

if i was governor of minneapolis i would have a lot to say.
mainly because i like the way my accent would be.
if i was from there.
i would sound like i was from upstate new york but not be from upstate new york.

think of all the good things i could do with your dollar.
if i was the governor.
or if i bought that orange-y soda.
i can think of a lot.

number 1. continue the ban on orange-y soda.
number 2. buy orange-y soda (not in minneapolis).
number 3. all of the above.

thirteen.

"dirty dirty refridgerator"

dirty dirty refridgerator.
you bet he was.

(*NOTE* for this poem to be effective
the word refridgerator should henceforth
be pronounced refridge-HE-ATE-HER.
think about it.)

twelve.

"when the hispanic guy at work gets angry i can't understand him"

woah there. slow down.
you're talking muy fasto for mio.

dinero dinero. donde esta mi mama?
i can't understand you.
I...CANT...UNDERSTAND...YOU.

slower and louder. slower...and...louder.
that's how communication happens.

one day i'll talk slow and loud to osama bin laden.
we'll talk about britney spears' divorce.
and that picture of her coochie when she was friends with paris hilton.

BRITNEY's...VAGINA.

eleven.

"how come my office smells like your ass?"


my office smells like tuna
tuna smells like your ass
therefore, ipso facto, my office smells like your ass


if it was a bigger office
it might not smell so bad
but it is tight and small and kind of hairy


more people should be able to fit in my office
the walls are just verrrry tight
and verrrrrrry hairy


is my office an asshole?
that's what it sounds like.
are you my mother?

ten.

"the wicked witch and john's shirt"

what happened to your sleeves, john?
did they fall off?
were they hit by a tornado and thrown into a building?
was dorothy there? and the lion?

can i buy you a new shirt?
i have the money.
i know you do too.
you can't where that to my gym.

what if eagle saw you?
he would just die.

nine.

"american i-dont"

hey paula abdul
i have a question for you
howd you get so fly
thats right

no im not talking to randy
i wanna know how you learned to kick it with a cartoon cat
and then how you got a job on that show
and then how you got so fly

girl you can tell me

eight.

"little kim asked me a good question the other day"

seriouslyyyy.
how many licks doesss it take to get to the center of that fuckin lollipoppp?
cause if it's toooo many i'll just give up.

i mean dont get me wronggg.
i love to suck...lollipoppp.
but when brandy's little brother and that owl come arounddd i just get nervous.

seven.

"if i were miley cyrus for one day"

fuck. dad.
i dont want to go on stage today.
i just want to sit around.
and eat bees.

this one time.
me and that boy from that show im on.
were fingerbanging each other.
that was a good time.
dad watched.

this this other time.
i watched dad fingerbang that boy.
ready. get set. dont go?

six.

"are you wearing a cock ring?"

are you wearing a cock ring?
excuse me.
you there. are you wearing a cock ring?

yes. why do you ask?

i was just wondering.

five.

"an ode to mark and canada"

cold cold cold maure
how do you spell "manure"?
i just looked it up on google
and then changed the first line of this verse

cold cold cold bra
i dont wear it. i look at it.
in the jungle...
wait that's called a ZEbra. my bad

cold cold cold punctuation
what am i e e cummings?!
what do i do: use miscelaneous punctuation;';
indeed. eh.

four.

"a poem that should be said with a british accent...and possibly sung"

shit fuck suck
i hate your duck
i wish he would just die
shit fuck damn
i hate your lamb
please dont effin cry

i used to plant trees in the garden
the garden was so nice
i used to rub the trees on my weiner
until they gave me lice

shit fuck cunt
the batter did bunt
now he's stealing third
shit fuck shit
the batter did hit
but it was a nasty turd

three.

"sweaty sweaty sweaty nothing else rhymes with chair"

sweaty sweaty sweaty chair.

i sit in my chair when im sweaty

cause im lazy

and i should get a shower

but im lazy.

sweaty sweaty sweaty bear

one time i tried to sit on a bear

when i was sweaty.

it bleeeeeeeds.

the bear wasn't lazy.

sweaty sweaty sweaty layer.

so dark so damp so dingy.

so clean?

i read about this on craigslist.

what time does the orgy start?

sweaty sweaty sweaty nothing else rhymes with chair.

two.

"eat you with you"

i know what you want from me today.
but i wont give you that.
im not going to sit up here rhyming away
even though i just did that.

i wanna dance and sing and fly above you every night.
i wanna bounce and jump and swing and fly a yellow kite.
will you be my yellow kite?
will you fly me thru the night?
or will we crash and burn?
will we die and die again?
and burn?

my vagina hurts today.
it feels like i just gave birth.
im not going to sit up here rhyming away
even though i just did th-irth.

i wanna cry and fall and drown in you every eve.
i wanna leap and hop and squirt into your hairy weave.
will you be my brown and gold weave?
will you hold me until its time to leave?
or will we suffocate? and die?
will we just stop breathing and rot and die?

work is suck around here today.
i havent done anything but play yahoo games for the last hour.
im not going to sit up here rhyming away
even though i just did th-our.

i wanna type and clog and snorkle with you every suppertime.
i wanna sit and think and juice you with a lime.
will you be my juicy lime?
will you eat with me at suppertime?
or will we just eat each other?
just eat and eat each other?
until all of our body parts have been eaten and they're inside each other's? body parts?

i wanna suffocate and rot and eat you with you today.
and i think it could be fun.
im not going to sit up her rhyming away
even though i just did th-un...thank you.

one.

"question: what's in a blog?"

that which we call a blog by any other blog would smell as blog. right?

BLOG!

get ready...get set...get ready.