twohundredandthirtyfive.

"sad day at the aeroport"

drop off
terminal 1
terminal sad face emoticon
'i don't want you to go away'
'i don't want to go away'
'so don't'
'i have to'
'kiss?'
'not here'
'ok'
'have a good time while i'm gone'
'i won't'
'try to'
smiley face emoticon
fake ass smiley face emoticon
'have a safe flight'

'peace'

twohundredandthirtyfour.

"a most exciting thanksgiving has now presented itself"

oh how splendid
a thanksgiving avec you and you and you will also be there?
oh how splendid

maybe i shall write-eth a thanksgiving type haiku
a haiku to perfectly paint the thanksgiving picture
what shall i write first (maybe 'oh how splendid')

'a haiku for thanks and giving'

thanksgiving is here (5)
and it shall be cool and queer (7)
please join us next year (5)

twohundredandthirtythree.

"i'm sorry i wasn't able to make it to your gay wedding"

but if it's any consolation i had a rather bizarre weekend in the south of georgia
as it were the south of georgia is nothing like the south of france
yet more like a flannery o'connor novel
where at any moment we will be killed in the woods by a scary woods killer

and then we'll laugh
and say 'a good man really IS hard to find'
as if our life were so literary
and as if SHE had written that story purely for US

as if we were a 'gilmore girl' of some kind
making literary quips
or a 'dawson's creek' or a '90210'
scratch the last...way less literary way more incendiary

twohundredandthirtytwo.

"strange dream about you last night, gran"

you were there in the kitchen
in glenside
in the old house that we sold
that no one lives in anymore
at least no one in our family
so does it really count

how'd we let anyone sell that house
my parents were born in that house
my first christmas was in that house
my 'santa-isn't-real?' christmas was in that house
that house was that house and always will be THAT house
meanwhile back in the dream...

kitchen. you. me. talking about vonnegut.
ME: what was your fave book, gran? your all time fave kurt v.?
U: the one with the house and the pigs
ME: 'slaughterhouse-five'??
U: no not that. i don't remember can we talk about something else?

at this point i'm astonished
because i know that you and i are the number one fans
the all time greatest kurt vonnegut fans in the world
and you don't know the name of your fave book
and you think 'slaughterhouse-five' is a book about houses and pigs

after this point of astonishment i am sad
sad because i realize that this is not you and this is a dream
and you are not here and you are gone and i'll never get to talk to you about KV
but at least we have that connection
and at least i know you're up there waiting for ME and KV to arrive

to talk about something nice
about houses and pigs...

RIP

twohundredandthirtyone.

"promotion junction...what's your function?"

congratulations, youre promoted
but you have the same job
and you will be treated the same
and paid the same
and loved the same
your dick will be the same size
and your wallet will be the same size
and your house
and your heart
and your nose

o, i hope this promotion does not make my nose grow
god forbid
my nose could not be any more big
any bigger and jew-ier
the kids at school already call me 'jewy jewington'
as if that was a cute or clever name
a cutely cleverly funny that-chick-who-wrote-juno-made-this-name name
no its not one of those names
so forget about it
i quit

twohundredandthirty.

"keyboarding on an i-book is like keyboarding on air"

i'm on keyboard 9
type type type
so easy and smooth and feels so good under my type type fingers type
like a baby grand
like a pre-adolescent grand

i'm on keyboard 10
ten even as it were
type type type smooth easy still and nice under the fingers
this keyboard, of the 10th degree, is so much comfier than the 9th
type-ity type type type

i'm now on keyboard 11
which is the final level in keyboards
as everyone knows
type type
type type type type type

twohundredandtwentynine.

"someone wrote something a longgg time ago maybe three nights ago or more and is now just updating"

just to let you know
that some things that have recently been something-ed
were actually originally something-ed
quite some time ago

ago ago ago
into that vast time of before
before time passed
as it will

as it does
i've heard
old man, you are the trickery of provence
of providence and philadelphia, too

too many nights since we last sat at the house
on the back porch
with your son who is my father
and talked and drank

and broke glasses

so many glasses

twohundredandtwentyeight.

"my yoga class and my porno class got mis-scheduled last week"

they played the porno in the yoga studio
and the yoga in the porno studio
it was confusing as much as things can be
is it poga or yorno?
or some different mix of nasty?

downward dog
doggie style
coincidence...i think POT
i can't stop thinking about weed is what i'm saying
i'm addicted. call that doctor from vh1

twohundredandtwentyseven.

"bugging at 4:35 in the AM"

bugging out watching 'my super sweet 16' on that mtv
this show is wack as fuck
how do you little midgets get such class
well not such class
such material goodness
you cannot buy class
that's a proverb

what's a 'con-verb'?
is it an action word that is against things
'i'm against you, and i'm a verb'
'i'm a 'con-verb''
'suck on that a while'
'con-verbs' are as wack as fuck as 'sweet 16'

twohundredandtwentysix.

"urge to burn your house down"

with my urge
fire urger burning inside so bad
to see you and be with you
the last time i was up so late
i was crying about you

and now the this time i am up so late
i am happying about you
laughing about you
smiling about you
missing about you

damn damn damn i wish i was holding you
you fuckin' mass of amazing
i love you
i'm glad you're getting better
i'm glad i'm here to help

twohundredandtwentyfive.

"not as brilliant as i'd hoped"

the combined works de moi
as reviewed by the 'new yorker' as if that were a real publication

NY: 'your work is trite and wrought with spelling errors'
ME: 'your publication is shite with un-funny as it were comics'
NY: 'sorry you feel that way, but sorry it also doesn't make us change our mind'
ME: 'is there anything i can do to make you...change?'
NY: 'do you have any weed?'
ME: 'no i quit. i had to go to rehab in the summer of 07.'
NY: 'harsh. well other than that i don't know what else there is...'
ME: 'blow job?'
NY: 'what?'
ME: 'i could give you a blow job...or something.'
NY: 'uh i'm not sure, man. i'm not you know gay.'
ME: 'yah me neither but i could suck on it a little while if it made you...change.'
NY: 'alright. maybe for a little.'

(an awkward exchange of zip zip and suck suck noises follow)

ME: 'sorry about that.'
NY: 'it was a little toothy.'
ME: 'well it was my first time doing it so i don't know. sorry.'
NY: 'you should use less tooth. let me show you.'

(another cavalcade if that were the word to use of zip zips and suck sucks)

ME: 'that was pretty good.'
NY: 'thanks.'
ME: 'so...are you going to publish me.'
NY: 'naw. but if you want some regular head i'm your man.'

(pause equating reflection contemplation masturbation)

ME: 'deal.'

twohundredandtwentyfour.

"why does michael's house look like waffle house?"

or vice versa
or un vice versa
why does michael's house not not look like waffle house?
and to counter that
why does waffle house not not look like michael's house?

follow me
as i take you on a journey through drunken waffles
and caviar dreams
dirty martinis
and bars in the south that have gay people and strange people

are you coming?
are you coming along?
are you coming alone?
three important questions
of which i care not the answer to all above.

das ende.

twohundredandtwentythree.

"good day, professor schlart"

it was nice to see you this morning
after the physical training
you looked handsome
handsomer maybe than the last time i saw you
when you had that leg growing out of your other leg
that third leg as it were

good day, professor schlart
it's interesting how your first name is 'professor'
one might mistake you for some sort of teacher
if they just heard your name
not if they knew you like i know you though
you former three legged freak of a handsome man

god bless you, professor schlart
god bless you today and tomorrow even
but on the day after tomorrow may you be struck down dead
for confusing everyone with your confusing name
and your three legged ness
and the handsome-ity

twohundredandtwentytwo.

"i'd rather be looking up martini recipes"

or when i say rather be i mean should be
as i was ordered to
in my second job
my job of life and ordering martini recipes

vodka based
not gin
no no no never gin
master hates gin

ill make you a gin based vodka martini
and you'll not know it
and you'll drink it
and you'll love love love it

twohundredandtwentyone.

"what do you want now buttering me up"

that's a saying
from the olden days
when kids said nice things to their parents
to get things in return

what do you want now buttering me up?
i want nothing
just to say nice things
and be be be with you

ok i'll accept it
the compliment and the niceness butter
butter me up some more
smear me in that margarine

twohundredandtwenty.

"this is a rock-umentary"

just for your edification.
this is and will forever be a rock-umentary.
that is to say it is a rock hyphen umentary.
and it will always be.
for the following reasons.

one. i like rock and roll.
two. i appreciate good guy ritchie films that have the words 'rock and roll' in them.
three. madonna and guy ritchie are divorced.
four. guy ritchie wants me to be in his next movie.
five. rock n' roll will never die.

six six six.

twohundredandnineteen.

"just because i don't like the roman shades on the front of your house doesn't mean you have to throw a pan of hot spaghetti noodles at me"

or the figurative hot spaghetti noodles of your rolling eyes
i said 'i do not like them'
as an opinion after you asked me 'do you like them?'
shouldn't i be honest with you
about things of such high profound nature-age

'do you like my roman shades?'
'no they are quite ugly and look like plastic'
hate eyes glare
spaghetti noodles spaghetti noodles
SPAGHETTI NOODLES

twohundredandeighteen.

"very good long weekend day with long day weekends"

back to normal back
with moments of abnormal back with
can i have a moment to reflect on the normalcy that is back with can
it has been a really good long weekend day back with can it
don't believe me ask someone back with can it don't
they'll tell you back with can it don't they'll
and you'll believe them

back with can it don't they'll and

love.

ahhh. yes. and love.

twohundredandseventeen.

"welcome new roommates"

how weird how weird
i have my own home and am child
yet parents are moving in here
tres backwards meine eltern
tres tres backwards

it's okay
live here with your pot smoking
while i sustain a living for all of us
you there, father
do not forget your adult diaper

and you there, mother
do not forget your adult diaper either
for you both where adult diapers
and live with your child
and smoke pot

responsible

twohundredandsixteen.

"robots eye-dancing everywhere today"

robots in the streets
with their hands on their eyelids
holding them open

when they dance their eyelids shut
automatically
unless they automatically hold them open

with their robot automatic hands
but they love love love to dance
we should really come up with something to help them

we being science
and science being you
barack obama

help the robots
forget about the economy and your dog and etc etc
help help help the dancing robots

twohundredandfifteen.

"i have nine children and thirteen toes"

i should have my own show on TLC
either about the children thing
or about the toes thing
thirteen and nine
what odd odd numbers

if i cut off one of my toes
i would only have 12
how sad how cruel
if i cut off one of my children
i would only have 8

how even how even how even

twohundredandfourteen.

"i am sorry you do not feel so good"

let me bring you medicine
and vitamin c
and let your dogs out
and tuck you in
and cuddle
i cuddle
trust me
well i will learn
ok

let me bring you sunshine
or something gay like that
and poetic
i could do it
i could take a bottle of sunshine
and bottle it up like jam
and bring it to you your house
well i will learn
ok

feel better feel better feel better
forever

twohundredandthirteen.

"all caught up"

from the other night and in life
oh oh oh how so so so many things have changed in the last couple of day nights
changed back to normal
there's a new president, you know
he is afro-american
but he has no afro on his american
head

also
no more missing someone
cause someone missed me so much that someone is back
and someone and someone are back
and someone and someone are the best that someone's have ever been
even without afros on their americans
heads

change
is good
embrace embrace embrace
but id still like to see more sarah palin
just everywhere
run for king/queen of the world ms. palin palin palin with an american afro
on your head

twohundredandtwelve.

"fuck. brain. stop. think."

just shut up about all that
blah blah blah blah blah
fuck, brain
stop being a fuck, brain
stop blah blah fuck blah, brain
all day
all night
well some of the night
when i'm not sleeping
fuck.
stop.
brain.

twohundredandeleven.

"sucks not seeing you when i wake up first thing"

eyes open
your face
me quiet
don't talk much
you happy
like always
me happy without words
you me day starting
same time
same bed
same room
same life

not anymore
still wake up
but just me
quiet
not happy
without words
one time
one bed
one room
no life

twohundredandten.

"this is a very dry commentary about dryness"

i watched a show today
about shows
it was fairly interesting
but not on an extreme level
i can't even remember to describe it
except to say that it was dry dry dry

as toast
as milque toast
even though milque toast sounds sweet
and buttery
and milky
and cow uttery

twohundredandnine.

"i don't care if governor palin is pranked by canadians"

they are not americans
yes?
no?
i don't anymore
are we warring with canadians?
help me out here if you know the ANSWER
to my QUESTION

governor governor governor palin
you are sexy as fuck
and smart
i think despite what you say sometimes about things
but who cares
you got titties
and love
and titties

governor governor governor governor governor
PALIN!
hot hot hot hot
mom
hockey mom
with titties
and love
and titties

twohundredandeight.

"tina fey doesn't have to go through shit like this"

she has a number one show in the americas
which is like having a number one show in the worlds
except that some places do not like shows that the americas like
in the worlds

for instances
some people in krack-assistan do not like 'gossip girl'
and neither do i
thus it shall be banned forever

for other instances
some people in cool-fuckistan do not like shows about reality
and neither do i
thus these shall also be banned forever

for other other instances
you shall be banned
forever
and neither do i

twohundredandseven.

"miss floyd miss floyd miss floyd"

miss floyd but miss someone else more
and this is something sad to miss someone else
cause i see someone else everyday
and they dont know how much i miss someone else
or i should say someone else doesnt know
how much i miss someone else

floyd knows
that i miss him
when im at work all night and its rainy outside
and he's stuck in his kennel
and he smells like wet smelly in the kennel type dog
and someone else isnt there anymore
to take care of him and be with him

floyd misses someone else
as much as i do?
probably not
but still misses someone else
and if someone else is reading this
i think you should miss me
and floyd
and someone else

twohundredandsix.

"late night poetry jam"

late night
avec conan obrien
and emotions which i know are fucking gay as hell
emotions in general
listening to the decemberists
which i know are fucking gay as hell
conan
there's an election tomorrow
but who fucking cares
elections are gay as hell

twohundredandfive.

"the following are from a long night of work on which i had to stay up late and emailed myself because i can not access blogs at work cause blogs are the spawn of al-qaeda"

havent you heard?

twohundredandfour.

"dressing up as a penguin from now on"

nothing scary can happen when you're dressed like a penguin
except for potentially being accidentally exported to antartica
and freezing to death standing on an egg
or getting eaten by a seal therein because you learn to hunt fish
to survive
in antartica

but nothing in america could happen scary when you're dressed as such
even though watching a scary movie by your self is still scary
and the penguin costume just makes you sweat a lot on the new couch
but you where the costume made of baby penguins
to survive
in america

survival of the fittest
more like
survival of the penguin-est

twohundredandthree.

"last time i checked i was were alone"

will be
too
after a long not alone weekend
of not alone activities
theres a long alone lifetime
of alone activities
ahead
will be
too

i dont know
for the best is what they've said
they him her we
all said 'for the best'
and i cried
and they he she we cried
and then we all said
'for the best'
will be
too

miss you
unendingly
ever and ever
hope it will be ok
think it might
for you i know it
will be
too